Author Archive: Rick Bernardo
Pettitte Re-Signs, Resigns, then Re-Signs Again with Yankees
Tampa, FL: The roster confusion within the New York Yankees continues, as perennial Yankee Andy Pettitte once again signed with the team, this time to a minor league deal with the possibility of being signed to a major league contract. The real confusion began in the realm of social media, as fans began to interchange [...]
Rick’s Cabaret Denies Editor Luck of the Irish
New York, NY: Every St. Patrick’s Day leads to the same thing: our editor, Patrick, runs off for Kegs ‘N Eggs wearing his green “Kiss Me, I’m Patrick” T-shirt, shouts “Happy Me Day” for 5 hours, then collapses on the side of a building in Manhattan. This St. Patrick’s Day will prove to be no different, as our Irish-American/”whatever else his bloodline has mixed in” editor will be going to Rick’s Cabaret in NYC in the hopes that, this time, his name will engage special treatment.
Manning to Try Out Teams for 2012 Season
Tempe, AZ: The release of 4-time NFL MVP quarterback and perennial forehead Peyton Manning by the Indianapolis Colts has sent shock-waves through the rest of the NFL as teams struggle to find their quarterbacks through trades, free agency, and more mock drafts than fantasy football has ever offered. While many believed that the greatest contenders for signing Peyton Manning were Arizona, Miami, Washington, and the Seahawks, interest was sparked from all corners of the league. Even Bill Belichick of the New England Patriots allegedly mentioned that having both of the arguable best quarterbacks in the league on the sidelines was a no-brainer. Salary-cap improvisations have already been enabled to make room for the quarterback’s required salary, as well as his other cut teammates from the Indianapolis Colts. After visiting with the Denver Broncos and Arizona Cardinals, the plan became clear: try out every team over the course of the 2012 season.
My Visit to Westeros: A Game of Thrones Mis-Adventure
It is obvious that I’m a fan of Game of Thrones. I have written character descriptions, comparing many of them to beer, and then more beer. I have practiced ways of proposing to Daenerys Targaryen, with or without dragons and with or without clothes. I got involved in a photoshop contest. But, it wasn’t enough. I needed more. Luckily, I found a cross-dimensional device that could very well help me get to Westeros, a place which my feeble nerd brain believed was not in the past, but in some weird, linear past where stunted men ran around screwing hot women, where political leaders were corrupt and suspicious, where Sean Bean would survive a movie or season. So with my hover-board, a photographer, a bit too much alcohol consumption, and a few hours in the desert surrounding Las Vegas, Nevada, I bring to you my trip to Westeros.
Boba Fett Denies Part in Saints Defense
New Orleans, LA: The latest entry as “America’s Team” was delivered a crippling sack this past weekend, as former players opened allegations of knowledge and support of a bounty program against the New Orleans Saints’ former defensive coordinator Gregg Williams. However, many wonder why the Saints should be disciplined harshly, considering how horrible their defense has been in recent years.
Unborn Snooki Monster Right on Time, Says Mayan Calendar
Jersey City, NJ: For years, skeptics and conspiracy theorists alike have debated the meaning and relevancy of the Mayan calendar. The ancient timeline, which ends on December 21st, 2012, has been touted as a prophecy for the end of the world; oceans will rise, the sun ill go out, and the moon will come crashing into the Earth’s atmosphere as the dark lord will emerge from a rotting womb(as we have interpreted the Book of Revelations.) It has also been rationalized as merely the end of a calendar, much like how people change from February to March, or 2011 to 2012. Unfortunately, rationale went out the window yesterday as one of the most relevant signs of the Apocalypse is coming true: Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi is pregnant.
German Chancellor Loses St. Pauli Girl Wet T-Shirt Contest
Demmin, GERMANY: Confusion struck the nation of Germany, and indeed the world, when Chancellor Angela Merkel was doused in beer during a Christian Democratic Union meeting last week. What had seemed to be blatant clumsiness of a waiter around one of the most stoic and cold political leaders in Europe seemed to be a blessing, as Chancellor Merkel did not have the waiter, known as Martin, beheaded, but merely shrugged the incident off and drank her beer.
Abe Vigoda: Killing Death Pools for 91 Years
New York, NY: For years, reports of his death proved to be premature, over and over again. A website was erected in order to tell the world of his true status. His name is a running gag, so much so that this article may have jumped the shark a few years ago. Now, celebrations have begun as the perennial old man, Abe Vigoda, turned 91 years old today, beating out another group of celebrities in death pools worldwide.
Curt Schilling Reality Video Game Ready to Hit Shelves
Boston, MA: After over five years and almost $35 million, the impossible has happened: the Curt Schilling video game has arrived for computer and gaming consoles everywhere. Not to be confused with the medieval-based RPG that Curt Schilling’s new production company, 38 Studios, recently launched(Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning), this new first-person puzzle RPG lets gamers play as Curt Schilling during his retirement. Heralded as the epitome of reality gaming, Expert: 2012, as the Curt Schilling game is called, allows players to interact with active MLB players, retirees, officials, senators, and anyone else that you can get to listen to you in the hopes of gaining their trust, boosting your popularity, and finding your place in Major League Baseball’s Hall of Fame.
Man Depressed by Valentine from Mother
Los Angeles, CA: It didn’t take long for David Platt to feel the sharp blade of Valentine’s Day cut away the last bits of his self-esteem. What had begun as a routine trip outside to get the mail after work quickly became the challenge to endure melancholia, for when Mr. Platt reached into his mailbox and pulled out that handful of mail, he also pulled something out unexpected. That something was a crisp, pink, sealed envelope addressed to one David Platt and his home residence, with no return address. “I can’t deny that I was excited,” stated Mr. Platt. “I don’t usually get valentines. The last time I did I had to pay $50, and I only got to keep her for five minutes.”
