Author J-Sin

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National
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Researchers at UCLA Medical Center believe that they have discovered a possible cause for the country’s skyrocketing obesity rate – overeating. For years, scientists and overweight people have been working on devising numerous theories behind weight gain, blaming everything from glandular disorders to fatty acid deficiency, as well as countless other purported causes. Dr. Richard “Dick” Whittingham, the head of the research team, discounts those theories as “mostly hogwash.”

“We truly believe that the majority of those who are overweight are the way they are because they, well, eat too much,” he claims. “If your normal dinner consists of three Big Macs, a Tombstone Pizza, and a half gallon of ice cream, don’t be surprised if you gain weight. And don’t look for other reasons as to why you’re morbidly obese. The truth is in your fridge.”

Entertainment
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In this age of gossip, it can be a struggle for an upstanding publication such as ours to find important, verifiable facts about celebrities, whether it be about their political leanings, financial situation, children, or if they bought a Gucci or Louis Vuitton collar for their miniature Italian greyhound. Sometimes it takes an exceptional amount of harassment for an interview while hanging out of a news van driving eighty miles per hour. Sometimes it takes an immense amount of stalking around one’s house, usually equal to the amount of arrests for disregarding certain “restraining orders.”

Business
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Tired of walking from the refrigerator to the couch? Well, you’re in luck because recently Honda unveiled their latest innovation, the Walking Assist Device, a pair of robotic legs complete with a built-in seat. Pricing for the magical device has yet to be determined, but that hasn’t stopped prospective buyers from contacting Honda repeatedly in an effort to lay their hands on the hot item.

Staff Bios
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Unlike the vast majority of The Inept Owl’s writers, J-Sin was not created by the partnership of two human beings. Instead, he sprung forth from a savanna in central Kenya in the late 1970s, free from the burden of parentage, and a child of nature. But he is no hippie.

His first few years were spent foraging through the grasslands for food, water, and women. He succeeded on all levels and it was during this time that he discovered Mountain Dew.

National
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Scientists in the nation’s capital are concerned with the drastic increase of “manpris” (Capri pants for men) sightings across the U.S. in recent months. Many believe that the fashion faux pas is a sign of worse things to come – “Davy Dukes” (extremely short shorts for men) being one of many disturbing fads with the possibility of making a splash across the country in the near future .

“We just don’t understand this,” said Dr. Henry Shill of Georgetown University. “The number of men wearing Capri pants is sensationally disturbing.”

Politics
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Washington, D.C. –An intern at the Smithsonian Institution has discovered the whereabouts of presidential hopeful John McCain’s birth certificate in the most unlikely of places – a spider’s web in the basement of the venerable institution’s research library.

Abigail Pressler, 25, was assigned the task of cleaning a corner of the basement when she noticed what appeared to be a ball of paper trapped in the center of a nearby spider web. Upon closer inspection, she noticed that the paper had an “aged” look to it.

“My curiosity got the best of me and I reached for the piece of paper,” said Ms. Pressler. “As I grabbed it, the black widow spider who constructed the web must have gotten upset at my intrusion because the petulant little monster sunk her fangs into my hand.”

Entertainment
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According to industry insiders, Perez Hilton (real name: Mario Armando Lavandeira, Jr.), the well-known blogger and television personality, is a closeted homosexual. Hilton, disliked and feared by many in Hollywood for his gossip columns, claims that he is, in fact, an outspoken homosexual. He has even gone so far as to state this on his website/gossip page.

Entertainment
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Lindsay Lohan, the highly regarded actress/musician/model, was recently awarded with the prestigious “Big Sister of the Year” award by the Big Brothers and Big Sisters of Greater Los Angeles. In front of a crowd of 3,000, Lohan graciously accepted the engraved plaque as her purported lover, Samantha Ronson, stood beside her.

Entertainment
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Keanu Reeves, long recognized as one of the finest actors of his generation, has decided to retire from his current career as a film star and accept a position as Director of The Royal Shakespeare Company. His office will be located in the Courtyard Theatre in Stratford-upon-Avon, the very town in which William Shakespeare was born and raised. Mr. Reeves couldn’t be more excited with this latest career move.

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