In an effort to raise money for Michael J. Fox’s Foundation for Parkinsons Research, Ryan Reynolds is asking fans to bid on the opportunity to accompany him to two upcoming movie premieres. The highest bidders will escort Reynolds to the premieres of X-Men Origins: Wolverine and The Proposal.
Dallas, TX: After being summarily released by the Dallas Cowboys on Wednesday, Terrell Owens and his agent, Drew Rosenhaus sought out teams willing to offer the outspoken receiver a long term contract. When no contract was forthcoming by Friday morning, Owens called a press conference to announce his intention to start his own team.
“I don’t need ya’ll,” said Owens, apparently referring to team owners unwilling to take a gamble on the notorious wide receiver. “I’ll start my own damn team and we’ll win the Super Bowl every damn year. Ya’ll ain’t nothin’ but a bunch of haters.”
Owens is looking for financing to build a stadium in Alexander City, Alabama, a city of approximately 15,000 and, coincidentally, the city of his birth. City officials have expressed great interest in Owen’s plans, as it will “let people know that Alexander City is as great as any of them other cities – like New York or Tallahassee,” according to the city’s mayor, Barbara Young.
Recently, an audio tape was released to the media which allegedly features Christian Bale verbally abusing a crew member while filming the latest film in the “Terminator” franchise. According to sources on the set of the film, Bale unleashed a wave of abusive language upon director of photography Shane Hurlburt when the latter purportedly disturbed Bale’s concentration during a scene.
If one were to listen to the radio or turn on the television today, there’s a good chance that they would be informed that today, February 3, is, in Don McLean’s immortal lyrics, “the day the music died.” More precisely, it is the 50th anniversary of the day when Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and the Big Bopper perished in a plane crash on a dreadful winter night in Iowa. Sad? Surely. But is it really the most important event that has occurred on February 3 in the history of the World? I’d like to think not. In fact, I did some research and discovered that the following events took place on this fateful day. My hope is that you will see that Holly, Valens, and the fat guy don’t “own” this day and they should stop taking all of the credit.
Pittsburgh, PA: For years, sports writers, game announcers, and fans have all wondered about Pittsburgh Steeler wide receiver Hines Ward and his never-ending smile. Until now, most believed that his smile was due to an overwhelming sense of happiness and accomplishment. However, after some research and repeated interviews with individuals close to the Steelers organization, it appears as if the truth is a bit more troubling.
According to sources who wish to remain anonymous, Hines Ward is, in a word, retarded.
“It’s true,” said a trainer recently. “Hines Ward, though he may be a good receiver, is actually retarded. That’s why he smiles so much. He has no freaking clue about what’s going on. In fact, he thinks that it’s his birthday every Sunday, which explains the constant smiling.”
New York, NY: Michael Bloomberg, the über-rich mayor of New York City, has put forth another measure in an effort to decrease the air pollution levels in the Big Apple – a citywide ban on the release of bodily gases in public places. Some see this as an indicator that Bloomberg has let his power go to his head, while others widely praise his decision. A spokesperson for Bloomberg stated that the mayor is still working on getting approval for fines and/or jail time for repeat gaseous offenders.
“So, wait a minute? First I can’t smoke in my favourite pub, and now I can’t even fart?” asks John Duggan, a construction worker from Queens. “Since when did New York become so lame?”
Washington, DC: Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is lashing out at the press for what she perceives to be preferential treatment in regards to Caroline Kennedy’s bid for the soon-to-be empty New York State Senate seat. According to Palin, Kennedy is receiving copious amounts of respect from the press corps while, she, Palin, was battered relentlessly by the same press corps while acting as John McCain’s running mate on the Republican presidential ticket.
“I’ve been interested to see how Caroline Kennedy will be handled and if she will be handled with kid gloves or if she will be under such a microscope,” Palin told conservative radio talk-show host and filmmaker John Ziegler.
After fifty years of research, scientists at Eastern West Virginia Community and Technical College believe that they have finally discovered a possible side effect to smoking – lung cancer. Though the connection was made in the early 1950s by a number of other scientists, and has been consistently proven to be true by countless other scientists over the past half century, the researchers at this small town community college were not convinced.
“We don’t believe nothin’ anybody else tells us,” says Dr. Wilbert Clopes, the research team leader. “All those city folk think they can tell us whatever they like and we’re just gonna believe it. Like, the whole man on the moon business? Lord knows it ain’t possible to get no man on a moon. So we do our own research around these parts and it turns out that those city boys just might be right this time.”
Oprah Winfrey, dubbed the “Queen of all Media,” has shocked the world with her latest revelation in January’s issue of ‘O’ magazine. Winfrey, 54, has struggled with her weight for years and has always felt as if the entire world should share in her pain and heartbreak when it comes to her inability to control her eating and lack of exercise. An admitted food addict, Winfrey is disappointed with herself.
In an effort to boost sluggish holiday sales, one local Wal-Mart has devised a scheme to attract shoppers this Saturday. According to the store manager, Earl Wickish, the first five hundred shoppers to arrive at the 8 am store opening will be allowed to trample a defenseless man to death.
“I’m hoping that this will attract more people,” said Mr. Wickish. “The sales figures just aren’t what they should be this year. The economy sucks, man.”