Police are investigating after a Georgia woman scared off a would-be burglar by acting like a dog. No, this isn’t a joke. The Athens Banner-Herald reported Monday that the woman scared off the suspect around 11 p.m. Saturday. According to police, the woman got on the floor and began scratching at the door and acting like a large dog when the suspicious man tried turning the woman’s door knob.
Boston, MA: One of six Harvard Medical School researchers, who became ill after drinking coffee laced with a toxic chemical, says he does not see how the incident could have been an accident.
Matteo Iannacone, a postdoctoral intern, told The Associated Press on Monday that he immediately noticed a “weird” taste when he took a sip of the espresso he poured from a coffee maker near his research lab on Aug. 26.
On Tuesday, a Paris court convicted the Church of Scientology of fraud and fined it more than half a million euros, which is a lot of money, we think — but stopped short of banning the group as requested by prosecutors. This has come as a shock to at least a dozen people in the world, Tom Cruise among them.
Burt Reynolds, of Smokey the Bandit and Cosmopolitan Magazine fame, has been released from a rehabilitation center where he was treated for an addiction to painkillers. The 73 year old actor, singer, songwriter, and American Icon was admitted to the Hanley Center last month after a particularly vicious fall at his massive estate in Hobe Sound, a rich enclave in Palm Beach County, left him addicted to painkillers.
Analysts are predicting that Apple’s upcoming operating system, Snow Leopard, will sell five million copies upon its release at the end of the month. Snow Leopard was developed over a period of seven years by dwarfs who inhabit the basement of Steve Jobs’ sprawling mansion and it is expected to retail for approximately twenty-nine dollars and 99.9 cents. The hope is that Apple will finally have an operating system to compete with Bill Gates’ Windows.
Washington, DC: Former Vice President Dick “Shotgun” Cheney, an outspoken opponent of the Obama administration, has stepped forward and announced that waterboarding is an essential tool for fighting terrorism. He also insisted that the Central Intelligence Agency never tortured anyone and kept the United States safe from further terrorist attacks. President Obama disagrees and has banned the practice of waterboarding, an interrogation technique he calls “cruel and unnecessary.”
“Of course he said that,” countered Cheney. “He’s a freaking liberal. Next thing you know, he’ll try banning the removal of fingernails with pliers, or electrocution by cattle prod, which, I’ll have you know, is quite effective when attached to the testes. It sure as hell worked on my son-in-law.”
Paris Hilton has reportedly lost her Blackberry during a recent trip to France to attend the Cannes International Film Festival. Industry insiders are amazed at her carelessness because this is not the first time that Miss Hilton had misplaced this notorious device. In 2005, she had “lost” her Sidekick, which angered many of her famous friends and acquaintances after their phone numbers appeared on the internet. Now she is bracing herself for the latest fallout that is sure to come.
Leavenworth, KS: Former Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick has been released from the federal prison in Leavenworth, Kansas, and will finish the last two months of his 23 month sentence for dogfighting under home confinement. Vick will travel to Hampton, Virginia, and is to begin working for a construction firm while waiting to hear whether or not the NFL plans to reinstate him after placing him on indefinite suspension after his conviction nearly two years ago.
Reportedly, Vick’s first plan is to stop at a pet store and see if he can locate a canine companion.
“It’s going to be lonely,” stated Vick, referring to being placed under house arrest. “I’m going to need a friend.”
In a study recently released by researchers at Yale University, it was revealed that nine out of every ten people in the United States are spending the equivalent of a forty hour work week in front of the television. The study attempted to prove that extensive television viewing has negative health effects, namely stupidity. This realization is alarming to many of the nation’s intellectuals.
“Forty hours a week? My god!” exclaimed Patrick Limmel, an American Literature Professor at New York University. “No wonder there are so many idiots.”
New York, NY: After a year of legal wrangling, Woody Allen and American Apparel have reached an agreement in the lawsuit filed by Allen last year, accusing American Apparel of using his likeness in billboard ads posted in Hollywood and New York.
The ads, which portray Allen as a rabbi, were offensive enough to the diminutive director that he filed a ten million dollar lawsuit.