Author Archive: J-Sin
Cheney Defends Waterboarding, Insanity
Washington, DC: Former Vice President Dick “Shotgun” Cheney, an outspoken opponent of the Obama administration, has stepped forward and announced that waterboarding is an essential tool for fighting terrorism. He also insisted that the Central Intelligence Agency never tortured anyone and kept the United States safe from further terrorist attacks. President Obama disagrees and has banned the practice of waterboarding, an interrogation technique he calls “cruel and unnecessary.”
“Of course he said that,” countered Cheney. “He’s a freaking liberal. Next thing you know, he’ll try banning the removal of fingernails with pliers, or electrocution by cattle prod, which, I’ll have you know, is quite effective when attached to the testes. It sure as hell worked on my son-in-law.”
Paris Hilton Loses Phone…Again
Paris Hilton has reportedly lost her Blackberry during a recent trip to France to attend the Cannes International Film Festival. Industry insiders are amazed at her carelessness because this is not the first time that Miss Hilton had misplaced this notorious device. In 2005, she had “lost” her Sidekick, which angered many of her famous friends and acquaintances after their phone numbers appeared on the internet. Now she is bracing herself for the latest fallout that is sure to come.
Michael Vick to Join PETA
Leavenworth, KS: Former Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick has been released from the federal prison in Leavenworth, Kansas, and will finish the last two months of his 23 month sentence for dogfighting under home confinement. Vick will travel to Hampton, Virginia, and is to begin working for a construction firm while waiting to hear whether or not the NFL plans to reinstate him after placing him on indefinite suspension after his conviction nearly two years ago.
Reportedly, Vick’s first plan is to stop at a pet store and see if he can locate a canine companion.
“It’s going to be lonely,” stated Vick, referring to being placed under house arrest. “I’m going to need a friend.”
Study Shows Most Americans Have 40 Hour TV Week
In a study recently released by researchers at Yale University, it was revealed that nine out of every ten people in the United States are spending the equivalent of a forty hour work week in front of the television. The study attempted to prove that extensive television viewing has negative health effects, namely stupidity. This realization is alarming to many of the nation’s intellectuals.
“Forty hours a week? My god!” exclaimed Patrick Limmel, an American Literature Professor at New York University. “No wonder there are so many idiots.”
American Apparel Settles Down Woody Allen
New York, NY: After a year of legal wrangling, Woody Allen and American Apparel have reached an agreement in the lawsuit filed by Allen last year, accusing American Apparel of using his likeness in billboard ads posted in Hollywood and New York.
The ads, which portray Allen as a rabbi, were offensive enough to the diminutive director that he filed a ten million dollar lawsuit.
Johansson Displeased with Parkinsons Auction
In an effort to raise money for Michael J. Fox’s Foundation for Parkinsons Research, Ryan Reynolds is asking fans to bid on the opportunity to accompany him to two upcoming movie premieres. The highest bidders will escort Reynolds to the premieres of X-Men Origins: Wolverine and The Proposal.
Terrell Owens Set to Create 33rd NFL Team
Dallas, TX: After being summarily released by the Dallas Cowboys on Wednesday, Terrell Owens and his agent, Drew Rosenhaus sought out teams willing to offer the outspoken receiver a long term contract. When no contract was forthcoming by Friday morning, Owens called a press conference to announce his intention to start his own team.
“I don’t need ya’ll,” said Owens, apparently referring to team owners unwilling to take a gamble on the notorious wide receiver. “I’ll start my own damn team and we’ll win the Super Bowl every damn year. Ya’ll ain’t nothin’ but a bunch of haters.”
Owens is looking for financing to build a stadium in Alexander City, Alabama, a city of approximately 15,000 and, coincidentally, the city of his birth. City officials have expressed great interest in Owen’s plans, as it will “let people know that Alexander City is as great as any of them other cities – like New York or Tallahassee,” according to the city’s mayor, Barbara Young.
Christian Bale Denies Tirade
Recently, an audio tape was released to the media which allegedly features Christian Bale verbally abusing a crew member while filming the latest film in the “Terminator” franchise. According to sources on the set of the film, Bale unleashed a wave of abusive language upon director of photography Shane Hurlburt when the latter purportedly disturbed Bale’s concentration during a scene.
This Day In History
If one were to listen to the radio or turn on the television today, there’s a good chance that they would be informed that today, February 3, is, in Don McLean’s immortal lyrics, “the day the music died.” More precisely, it is the 50th anniversary of the day when Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and the Big Bopper perished in a plane crash on a dreadful winter night in Iowa. Sad? Surely. But is it really the most important event that has occurred on February 3 in the history of the World? I’d like to think not. In fact, I did some research and discovered that the following events took place on this fateful day. My hope is that you will see that Holly, Valens, and the fat guy don’t “own” this day and they should stop taking all of the credit.
Hines Ward’s Smile Explained
Pittsburgh, PA: For years, sports writers, game announcers, and fans have all wondered about Pittsburgh Steeler wide receiver Hines Ward and his never-ending smile. Until now, most believed that his smile was due to an overwhelming sense of happiness and accomplishment. However, after some research and repeated interviews with individuals close to the Steelers organization, it appears as if the truth is a bit more troubling.
According to sources who wish to remain anonymous, Hines Ward is, in a word, retarded.
“It’s true,” said a trainer recently. “Hines Ward, though he may be a good receiver, is actually retarded. That’s why he smiles so much. He has no freaking clue about what’s going on. In fact, he thinks that it’s his birthday every Sunday, which explains the constant smiling.”
