Author J-Sin

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Barely News
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Internetland: Britney Spears’ musings were once the most followed on Twitter. With an estimated 5,674,443 followers, Spears was, until recently, the unabashed queen of useless internet ramblings. That appears to have changed over the weekend, however.

Lady Gaga, formerly known as Steve Johnson, has dethroned Ms. Spears in a hard-fought battle to acquire the attention of millions of people with nothing better to do than read the inane thoughts and actions of celebrities (in 140 characters or less).

National
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Tampa, FL: The record-breaking heat wave that is scorching much of the Northeast is likely to last through the weekend, according to weather forecasters. The heat wave, which has been moving steadily across the country for the last several days, has caused temperatures to soar past one hundred degrees from as far south as Virginia and as far north as Massachusetts.

“So freaking what?” exclaimed Dennis Mahoney of Miami, Florida. “It’s often around one hundred degrees here in South Florida. You don’t see no news about that.”

Business
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The iPhone 4, also known as the Jesus Phone, was released today. In anticipation of this religious event, more than six hundred people with nothing better to do lined up outside of Apple’s flagship store in Manhattan in order to get their hands on the new device.

Barely News
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Ellen DeGeneres, famous talk show host/American Idol Judge/Lesbian, has decided to start her own record label after meeting with Youtube sensation/Justin Bieber clone, Greyson Chance. The record label, which she declared will henceforth be known as eleveneleven, currently only has one artist – Greyson Chance.

National
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In a long-awaited move, the United States Navy has announced plans to ban smoking on submarines, effective December 31, 2010. This comes as a great relief to many non-smokers, while others have threatened to mutiny if the ban is instituted.

Nearly 13,000 sailors are assigned to the 57 submarines in the U.S. Navy’s fleet. It is estimated that 35 to 40 percent of the sailors are regular smokers. Not surprisingly, the news of the ban has brought about numerous complaints. The Navy hopes that its aggressive smoking cessation programs will allay the sailors’ moodiness.

National
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Donna Simpson, the New Jersey woman famous for seeking the title of “World’s Fattest Woman”, has filed a complaint against a married couple for trespassing inside her vagina. According to Ms. Simpson, Mr. and Mrs. Edward Abelsohn, both in their seventies, entered her orifice as she rested on a bus stop bench outside of the Krispy Kreme located near her home.

Entertainment
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A study released today by Harvard scientists proves what has long been suspected – fans of the number one television program, American Idol, are retarded. The study, headed by Harvard Senior Scientist Jacques Martinique, was funded by private investors and conducted over a three year span. Surprisingly, the total cost of the research was less than one million dollars.

Barely News
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Washington, DC: In an effort to bolster security measures and prevent Nigerian extremists from detonating aircraft on Christian holidays, airports throughout the country have announced plans to begin body cavity searches sometime before Easter. Understandably, this news came as a surprise to many frequent fliers.

Barely News
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Des Moines, IA: There may be some truth to the saying that all women will eventually turn into their mothers, according to a U.S. study that finds daughters age in much the same way as their predecessors.

Plastic surgeons used facial imaging and 3D computer modeling to study the aging process, and found that daughters’ faces tend to follow their mothers in terms of sagging and volume loss, particularly around the corners of their eyes and lower eyelids.

National
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Last week, Northwest Flight 188 with its 144 passengers and 5 crew members was on its way to Minneapolis, Minnesota. Sometime during the flight, the pilots became engrossed in an activity that led them to fly 150 miles past Minneapolis before recognizing that there had been an error. Air traffic controllers in Denver and Minneapolis repeatedly tried to raise the pilots by radio, but were unsuccessful.

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