It is official: Michael “The Situation” Sorrentino, who rose to prominence as a cast member on MTV’s ‘The Jersey Shore”, has been voted as the least talented and most annoying celebrity in a recent poll conducted by researchers at the Carnegie Insitutute. Nearly ten thousand randomly chosen people, whose ages ranged from 12-91, were selected for the poll and came to the overwhelming conclusion (97% to be exact) that The Situation’s fame is absurd.
Norman, OK: The U.S. Geological Survey has reported that a 4.3 magnitude earthquake jolted Central Oklahoma this morning and the natives are restless – with joy. It has been reported that Norman, Oklahoma residents are taking to the streets to celebrate this joyous occasion, as it marks the most exciting thing to happen in this most often overlooked region since the “Dust Bowl” of the 1920s.
Washington, DC: After polling more than 127 million people, the newly formed National Polling Agency has determined that the state of Ohio is, by far, the worst of the 50 states in terms of livability. With more than 87 million votes, Ohio easily took first place in the poll, which was conducted in every state (including the often overlooked state of Alaska) over the course of a year.
On June 18, 1919, during the signing of the treaty of Versailles, Germany agreed to pay reparations as compensation for bringing war to the nations of Europe and causing the deaths of 10 million soldiers. After nearly 92 years of hemming and hawing, the Germans have finally, albeit grudingly, paid the full amount of 132 billion Marks. In 2010 terms, this amount is supposedly assessed at 382 billion (US) dollars. But some economists aren’t so sure.
Austin, TX: Conservative-leaning education leaders in Texas are pushing for a resolution that would denounce social studies textbooks as biased against Christianity and offering glorified views of the Islam faith, which, according to many in the clearly lacking Texas school system, “ain’t nothin’ more than a religion followed by terrorists, arabs, Osama Bin Laden, Cat Stevens, President Obama, and communists.”
Princeton, NJ: In a study released by Princeton University, researchers claim what has long been suspected: in high schools around the country, male athletes, with their muscular torsos, lantern jaws, and running ability, are more popular than skinny, awkward teenage boys with pale skin, shabby clothing, and concave chests. This comes as a shock to nobody, least of all the multitude of translucent-skinned males wandering the hallways of high schools, overlooked and forgotten by the millions of pubescent teenage females with absolutely no interest in learning about the joys of comic books or games of Dungeons & Dragons.
Bedfordshire, UK: Seventeen-year old Luke Angel of Bedfordshire, England has been banned from entering the United States after sending an obscenity-laced email to President Obama. Angel claims that the email was sent while he was drunk and no harm was meant when he referred to Obama as a “prick.”
The Corn Refiners Association, a group that apparently controls the production of high fructose corn syrup, an ingredient found in 99.9% of the food in the United States and one that is blamed for extreme obesity, have petitioned the federal government for permission to change the name of the key ingredient on food product labels. Their suggestion? Corn sugar.
Fernando Flores, a former bodyguard of Britney Spears, is suing his ex-boss for sexual harrassment. The lawsuit, filed Wednesday, alleges that Ms. Spears exposed herself to Mr. Flores on numerous occasions. According to Mr. Flores, Ms. Spears even went so far as to say, “you know you liked it” on at least one of those occasions.
Washington, DC: British Petroleum, in its latest effort to direct the blame for the summer’s tragic Gulf Oil disaster elsewhere, has published a report detailing the names of the companies, celebrities, and wildlife that it believes should shoulder some of the blame for the most destructive oil spill in U.S. history. The long awaited report stressed that “no single factor” contributed to the April 20th blowout that killed 11 workers, sank the Deepwater Horizon, and killed countless sea creatures.