Odessa, FL: John Higginbottom, 30, just celebrated his 10th year working for Wal-Mart and could not be happier. To mark the occasion, he purchased a dozen cupcakes from his store’s bakery and shared them with several employees in the break room on Tuesday afternoon. The cupcakes were gone in a matter of minutes and his fellow employees were very thankful for his longevity and sharing of baked goods.
Today, the Center for Disease Control released a comprehensive list of the least active states, and Alabama tops that list. According to the CDC, more than 29 percent of the state’s residents dedicate no time to physical activity – a figure that could lead to increased risks of obesity, diabetes, heart disease and other health problems for Alabama residents. This is just more bad news for a state where the average IQ of its residents hovers around 75 – a number that is declining.
Portland, ME: In a bold and decisive move, local know-it-all John Wether decided to raise the price of his thoughts this week. For the past thirty-one years, Wether has charged a penny for his thoughts, opinions, and mumbles. Critics charge that the price is too high, but Wether disagrees. “False,” said Wether. “With the economy in such a slump, I have no choice but to raise the price. People can say whatever they want, but a penny for my thoughts no longer puts food on my table. Nor does it pay for John Jr’s soccer cleats.”
Pittsburgh, PA: Hines Ward, Steelers wide receiver and the man long recognized as the village idiot of Pittsburgh, suddenly stopped smiling this morning after realizing that his team, the Pittsburgh Steelers, lost Super Bowl XLV. Fans have been wondering what took so long for the realization to set in.
Munich, GERMANY: The Nutrition Journal recently published a study that suggests that eating a large breakfast regularly can lead to weight gain. Meanwhile, the public, specifically the American public, has been told for three hundred years that the right way to start the day is with a big breakfast. Many have taken “big breakfast” to mean “eat so much that you can’t button your pants afterwards.”
Memphis, TN: Frayser High School has finally, after years of competing with Elvis Presley’s Graceland, become well-known as a tourist attraction. Unfortunately, its claim to fame is not for academics, sports, or famous alumni. Instead, it is known as the school where 90 of its students, most of them female, are either pregnant or have given birth within the past year. This number is staggering, according to experts, considering that the school only contains 800 students.
South Bend, IN: Researchers at Notre Dame have published a study claiming that video game addicts, also known as “gamers,” lose their virginity long after their non-gaming peers. The study, which was conducted over a three-year-long span, states that the average gamer loses his or her virginity around the age of thirty-four, whereas the average person loses their virginity sometime in their late teens – a difference of more than fifteen years.
Newark, NJ: The Transportation Safety Administration and its controversial screening procedures have come under fire yet again. A 16-year-old boy, whose name is being withheld due to his age, has accused TSA Employee Lloyd Wright of taking his virginity during a recent pat-down at Newark Liberty International Airport last week. The boy, who was traveling to church camp in Alabama, claims that Mr. Wright fondled his genitals for “an extended period of time.” The exact length of time is unknown, but it is rumoured that Wright caressed the boy’s genitals for five to seven minutes.
As of this writing, the NFL is considering fining Seymour for “Bitch-Slapping a Defenseless Rapist.”
For nearly two years, the Tea Party Movement has inspired thousands of uneducated and easily misled citizens of the United States to take to the streets in order to protest several federal laws that they, the members of the movement, do not fully understand and couldn’t possibly comprehend, due to their extremely low IQs. Now, it appears, that the movement has inspired Lipton, the century old company known for its expertise in flavored teas, to bring about a change of its own.