Canadians Mourn, Americans Unaware of NHL Lockout
This week marks the beginning of at least two weeks of canceled professional hockey games…
Author Darby Shaw
Review of The Avett Brothers’ “The Carpenter”
Apparently I owe my thousands of readers an apology. It appears I suck as a…
Obama Hits Reddit; Romney to Answer Questions on Myspace
This week, President Barack Obama visited the well-known unoriginal-content-spreading site reddit to reach out to…
Storms Cause Critical Loss to Millions
Columbus, OH: As cleanup begins following a line of storms that tore through the Midwest…
Canada Nixes Penny; US to Reintroduce Half Cent
Toronto, Canadialand—Today, the Canadian government announced a decision to no longer use the Canadian penny. Due to inflation, a lack of coin purses, and the fact that Coinstar charges more to count a penny than one gets to cash it in, the Canadian finance minister Jim Flaherty said it was no longer sensible to mint the copper coins.
Chiefs Sign the Wrong Peyton
Kansas City, MO—Today a spokesperson for the NFL’s Kansas City Chiefs proudly revealed that they…
Ohio Man Has Never Heard Mariah Carey Christmas Songs
Berea, OH: Earlier this week, scientists made a one-of-a-kind discovery: a man who has never once listened to a Christmas carol performed by singer Mariah Carey. At a press release in Berea, Dr. Jim Foxentrot, head of the Christmas and Related Events of Yule branch of the Benevolent League of Winter Scientists (CAREY-BLOWS) revealed a glimpse of the rare beast to the public.
Occupy Wall Street to Become Occupy Macy’s
New York City–Having been kicked out of various parks, bridges, and underpasses across New York City, the two-month-old Occupy Wall Street movement has decided to select a new location for their efforts: Macy’s Herald Square.
Papa John to Enter Presidential Race
Louisville, KY: Bolstered by the success of former Godfather’s Pizza CEO Herman Cain in early Republican polling, the founder of Papa John’s Pizza has decided to throw his hat into the presidential ring. “Papa John” Schnatter, the 50 year old pizza mogul, announced his decision from his company’s headquarters this morning. “It’s time that Americans stand up and demand what’s best for our country. It’s time for us to realize that we don’t want the CEO of the 8th best pizza chain being responsible for running our nation… we want the CEO from the 3rd best pizza chain running our nation!” he stated in a press release.
Review of Hugh Laurie’s “Let Them Talk”
This is what happens when you give every kid in the soccer league a trophy. This is what happens when you hold up movie and television stars as idols. They start making shitty music. I want to blame Gwyneth Paltrow for this trend, but its dark roots go much deeper. Remember Don Johnson? Remember Eddie Murphy? We have a long and shameful history of first convincing people that they can act, and then allowing them to believe they can sing.
