Author Darby Shaw

Barely News

Toronto, Canadialand—Today, the Canadian government announced a decision to no longer use the Canadian penny. Due to inflation, a lack of coin purses, and the fact that Coinstar charges more to count a penny than one gets to cash it in, the Canadian finance minister Jim Flaherty said it was no longer sensible to mint the copper coins.


Berea, OH: Earlier this week, scientists made a one-of-a-kind discovery: a man who has never once listened to a Christmas carol performed by singer Mariah Carey. At a press release in Berea, Dr. Jim Foxentrot, head of the Christmas and Related Events of Yule branch of the Benevolent League of Winter Scientists (CAREY-BLOWS) revealed a glimpse of the rare beast to the public.


New York City–Having been kicked out of various parks, bridges, and underpasses across New York City, the two-month-old Occupy Wall Street movement has decided to select a new location for their efforts: Macy’s Herald Square.


Louisville, KY: Bolstered by the success of former Godfather’s Pizza CEO Herman Cain in early Republican polling, the founder of Papa John’s Pizza has decided to throw his hat into the presidential ring. “Papa John” Schnatter, the 50 year old pizza mogul, announced his decision from his company’s headquarters this morning. “It’s time that Americans stand up and demand what’s best for our country. It’s time for us to realize that we don’t want the CEO of the 8th best pizza chain being responsible for running our nation… we want the CEO from the 3rd best pizza chain running our nation!” he stated in a press release.

Critics Den

This is what happens when you give every kid in the soccer league a trophy. This is what happens when you hold up movie and television stars as idols. They start making shitty music. I want to blame Gwyneth Paltrow for this trend, but its dark roots go much deeper. Remember Don Johnson? Remember Eddie Murphy? We have a long and shameful history of first convincing people that they can act, and then allowing them to believe they can sing.

1 2 3 9