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As the managing editor of The Inept Owl, Patrick has sworn to uphold the honor and integrity of hard-hitting journalism...but only on Sundays at 10am.

National
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Geraldo Rivera gives us the harrowing story of an emergency worker that was, for some reason, IN THE WATER!!! Luckily, the boat he hopped out of and was attached to him via lifeline was there to “save” him.

Critics Den
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I went to a movie the other night. It had been a while since I had been to one because of all the good stuff life brings (job, bills, the overall daily rigamarol). As it was now a rare occasion to go to the movies, I wanted something that truly exemplified a summer movie experience…and no, I’m not talking about Iron Man (while a great movie in its own right, I’m gonna say its slightly overated…so nyah ;). I’m talking IMAX time, folks. And I’m talking Speed Racer!

Opinions
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Today’s lesson: Irony. We’ll begin by first, acknowledging that very few people actually know what “irony” is. Go ahead. Admit it. You’ve called something “ironic” when it wasn’t. Lucky for you, most people don’t know what irony actually is.

You’re probably thinking, “Yes I do. Alanis Morissette told me all about it in 1995. She wouldn’t lie. Canadians never lie.” Well kids, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but– Wait. Actually I’ll take great pleasure in crushing your spirits– anyway, I feel that what I’m about to tell you is long overdue, and integral if I ever hope to see America develop a sense of humor.

Opinions
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It felt good to finally get a chance to scream!

I had tried circling the Kodak Theater once before deciding to park at home and hoof it over on foot. Everything was blocked off! Not a street spot, not an open lot, not even the underground parking garages! It was very busy driving by, even by L.A. standards. You could tell that something really big was going on.

Opinions
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Today we honor a man that all of you, our readers, believed was more deserving of an award than Axl Rose. Here is the letter we have addressed to Dr. Stephen Tyrone Colbert.

Opinions
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It is time for the United States to be humble, before we are humiliated.

We have a long history of acting like an empire abroad, while somehow keeping the truth about what we are actually doing hidden under a veil of lies, stump speeches, and cleverly labeled initiatives. Take Reagan; the most beloved modern saint of the Republican party. He led the American sheep through the 1980’s by blowing sunshine up the collective national ass, all while propping up dictators and revolutionary armies around the world.

Opinions
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Enclosed is the letter we would have sent Kate Beckinsale, our Woman of the Year for 2007, if she returned our calls…or knew who we were besides the people she served a restraining order to.

Critics Den
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New York-based musician Svoy has a story that is all too familiar. Born in a small Russian town, he trained with the greatest talents his country had to offer, then moved to America to further pursue his dreams. Think of Baryshnikov or what probably happened with Ivan Drago after the end of Rocky IV. Except in this case, Svoy changed fields from jazz piano to electronica, so imagine Baryshnikov joining the cast of Stomp or Drago signing up for American Gladiator.

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