Raleigh, NC – The United States Justice Department and North Carolina have recently begun trading civil suits with each other as the issue of where people can relieve themselves in comfort has become a national crisis. Contrary to the belief of North Carolina legislature, that relief has to do with the extradition of human digestive waste for transgenders, and not a sexual relief. Extra-contrary to North Carolina’s belief that the extradition of human digestive waste in a public bathroom by a person who may not have been born as the sex of that particular bathroom can only result in “Golden Showers” and “Cleveland Steamers,” that relief is actually a necessity of health rather than sexual depravity.
Those in agreement with the Public Facilities Privacy and Security Act, North Carolina’s law that relegates people to public bathrooms based on their physical sexual identity at birth have cited the protection of our children and women as a reason that such walls should be erected, besides the usual religious undertones. Raleigh resident Denny Hastings, currently residing on the Sex Offender Registry, has become the awkward proof of how blanket bathroom restrictions are the only reliable way to make public bathrooms safe.
“There was a time when I could easily sneak into the women’s restroom to masturbate by merely shaving and wearing a wig,” stated Hastings. “But when North Carolina’s law came through, I found myself barred from women’s rooms across the state.”
When asked how he was barred, Hastings explained. “Usually I could just walk right into a women’s room no matter how I was dressed but, after that law passed, I found myself blocked from crossing the threshold by some invisible force. “It was like walking into a wall that I just could breach.”
Hastings explained that the wall only seemed to block people based on sexual identity because, “I’d be standing there stuck, but women would be passing right by me to walk into the restroom, giving me dirty looks all the while.”
This invisible magic barrier was put in place in public bathrooms across the state for both men and women once the law was signed. Doctor Lars McCready explained how the barrier works.
“Each and every public restroom in the state of North Carolina has been outfitted with a pulse emitter that scans the biology of people attempting to breach the area,” explained McCready. “This scan is then sent into a database, which links the scan to that person’s birth certificate. If that birth certificate doesn’t match the appropriate sexual identification for the area, that person’s biometrics are blocked from entering. This all happens in nano-seconds, of course.”
North Carolina’s main avenues of economic stability seem to be at odds with the decisions of the state as well. both the University of North Carolina in the public sector and NASCAR in the private sector, which allegedly claims 98% of North Carolina’s economy, have disavowed the the anti-LGBT law.