Detroit, MI- The remaining Republican presidential candidates gathered in the Fox Theatre last night to show the American people what they’re working with. What was expected to finally be a debate comparing the candidates’ views on economic and foreign policy issues ended up becoming a Dick-Measuring Contest on live television, judged by Megyn Kelly, Bret Baier, and Chris Wallace.
The Dick-Measuring Contest is a long, hard-held tradition within the GOP, where candidates demonstrate to the party that they have the girth required to secure the nomination. The tradition goes all the way back to the time of Abraham Lincoln and, though records do not exist from that time, Lincoln is known to have the largest hands of any Republican candidate since.
The focus of the debate was Donald Trump’s penis, which has been at the very tip of National Penis Polls, also known as the Pole Polls. Trump has so far overshadowed the GOP establishment and their assorted organs, from the half-mast Rubio to the completely flaccid Jeb Bush. The sheer size of his many inches of lead have made much of the GOP uncomfortable, causing them to insist that size doesn’t really matter. Speaker of the House Paul Ryan insisted that the Republican nominee cannot discriminate and must be prepared to embrace all types of dicks.
Trump came out strong, insisting that the American people could trust that, in him, they had a firm candidate, a candidate who wouldn’t be shy in front of foreign leaders and who would take a hard line with China. As evidence, Trump indicated his hands, which represents the first time he presented solid evidence for any of his assertions.
His opponents Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio then double-teamed him, raising the issue that Trump has gone soft on policy before and has an inconsistent record of standing up for issues that are important to Republicans. Rubio’s showing was somewhat weak due his previous ruinous experience with dick-measuring contest, both figurative and literal. Cruz, on the other hand, remained fully erect throughout the entire two-hour event to an extent that made many in the audience uncomfortable.
The night ended like most nights for Republicans without their pants on end; in disappointment. None of the candidates had a particularly satisfying performance, and the crowd left angry, frustrated and worried for the future of the party. That is, they felt like they had just watched another debate.