It’s been over forty years, but Monty Python and the Holy Grail still holds the crown of political satire in film. Sure, we’ve seen films like Idiocracy, Team America: World Police, The Campaign, and Oliver Stone’s JFK come through since then, but Holy Grail has become timeless by how it can thumb its nose at any political leader regardless of the type of government they are a part of.
Today, we invoke Holy Grail and recast the movie to prove this, as well as shine a blacklight on the presidential candidates of 2016 to encapsulate all of the blood, sweat, and other bodily fluids they haven’t washed clean of themselves yet.
Donald Trump as The Black Knight
Most politicians are able to fend off policy changes and character assassinations of the past as mere scratches, but no one is able to do it quite as brazenly as Donald Trump. Caught in a lie? “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He doesn’t even call it a scratch. It never happened, even as he hops around on one, shaky political leg.
Trump shares this unshakable resolve, or as I like to call it, stubbornness, with The Black Knight. Their ridiculous statements are just gravy.
Hillary Clinton as King Arthur
Many voters seem to have an issue with Hillary Clinton being a product of the political system, and will continue the status quo of the Obama administration. That is because the loudest voices of the public seem to be for Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump, two candidates that seem to be outside the normal system.
This rank and file idea fits in perfectly with the character of King Arthur. King Arthur being king because “some watery tart threw a sword” at him makes as much sense as Hillary becoming president because the party wants it (therefore superdelegates.)
Bernie Sanders as Sir Lancelot
At first glance, Bernie Sanders could probably play the part of Dennis the Peasant, seen above, but that would have left us with one less clip of Monty Python and the Holy Grail to watch, and who doesn’t want to watch more scenes?
While Bernie does have that “rage against the system” aura that is logical, there is also a Bernie that acts like an old punk yelling during a Fall Out Boy set. He probably has a point, but he probably takes a knee-jerk reaction way, way too far.
Sir Lancelot goes off the deep end in an exaggerated but similar way when he receives a cry for help via arrow and proceeds to slaughter an entire wedding reception in order to mistakenly save a prince from marriage.
Ben Carson as The Old Hermit
Things may change by the time you read this, but Ben Carson is still campaigning to become the Republican nominee for president even though logic shows that he should have suspended his campaign weeks ago. He’s at the bottom of polls and state primaries. It would take a miracle, and a lot of scandal, to get him to the top.
Similarly, an old hermit dying of the plague was just as stubborn in clinging to life.
Marco Rubio as Sir Robin
It took Rubio quite a while, but he was finally able to fire shots at Donald Trump in a debate. It wasn’t a very intelligent tirade, but at least Rubio showed why he should at least be on the stage before cowering in the corner again.
This sort of faux-heroism is what makes Sir Robin tick. He’ll leap towards danger, as long as he can side-step it safely.
Ted Cruz as Tim the Enchanter
As a Tea Party politician, Ted Cruz is comprised of doom and gloom when it comes to the government. “Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here,” which is as Baptist, or Texan, as a person can get when speaking about life in general.
Tim the Enchanter is the same way, except that Tim probably had a better point about the ferocious killer Rabbit of Caerbannog.
John Kasich as Sir Galahad
What can we say about John Kasich? On a debate stage cluttered with blowhards, he sticks to his policies and does his best to present them to the primary voters. I’m sure he finds himself real close to flipping everyone else off and turning over his podium, but he stands fast, and probably won’t be elected.
Sir Galahad is the same way. He stays pure in the face of impending doom, or sex, and becomes a side character that we do not miss after falling at the Bridge of Death.