Our asinine political analysis breaks down Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson.
Name: Dr. Ben Carson
Nickname: It’s Not Brain Surgery
Political Affiliation: Republican Party
Status: Whatever The Lord thinks of his campaign
Known For: Performing Brain Surgery, possibly on himself, Trying his best to imitate Morgan Freeman’s voice during debates
Likes: Religion, Destiny, Belt Buckles, Flat Tax, Being Woken Up During Debates
Dislikes: Evolution, Non-Religious History, Using the word “Highfalutin” to shame scientists as pompous or pretentious
Public Outlook: It seems that the only people who think Dr. Ben Carson is still running for president are Carson himself (although that is speculative), Creationists, and the Lord Jesus. Unfortunately, only two out of those three are able to vote.
Pros: All foreign policy statutes will be explained by biblical references. Also, there will be no worry that Dr. Carson will cut into people’s brains while in office.
Cons: Separation between church and state will be replaced by hourly prayer services so that legislation and tax refunds take even longer to go through the bureaucratic channels.
Quote: “I’m very happy to get a question this early on. I was going to ask you to wake me up when the time came.”