Our asinine political analysis breaks down Republican presidential candidate Chris Christie.

*UPDATE: Chris Christie has suspended another future lap-band surgery, as well as his presidential campaign.*


Name: Chris Christie

Nickname: Toll Troll

Political Affiliation: Republican Party

Status: Suspended Campaign

Known For: Governor of New Jersey 2010 – Present, Telling It Like It Is, Keeping It Real, and closing lanes on the George Washington Bridge when “it” doesn’t suit him

Likes: Food, Atlantic City, War

Dislikes: President Obama, Fort Lee, Fantasy Football, New York, Being Governor of Jew Jersey when he’s trying to run for president

Public Outlook: If there was one president who could have exemplified how the rest of the world viewed the United States as a whole through the 90’s, it would have been Gov. Chris Christie. Stereotypically over-weight? Check. Ready to brandish military might like a George Carlin “bigger dick” bit? Check. Pouty when he doesn’t get his way? Check. The president America deserves, but not the one we need right now. Or, ever.

Pros: Unlike Donald Trump, at least we would know how far to push the Doomsday clock to 12.

Cons: Would probably force Americans to stay in the country with sanctions on other countries.

Quote: “Man up and say I’m fat.”

Check out all of the 2016 presidential candidates by clicking here.

By Patrick AE

Patrick is the man behind the man behind the site behind the man.... When he isn't writing for The Inept Owl, saving penguins from Hulk Hogan, and other activities that could be either truths or lies, he's editing everything else.