Our asinine political analysis breaks down Republican presidential candidate Chris Christie.
*UPDATE: Chris Christie has suspended another future lap-band surgery, as well as his presidential campaign.*
Name: Chris Christie
Nickname: Toll Troll
Political Affiliation: Republican Party
Status: Suspended Campaign
Known For: Governor of New Jersey 2010 – Present, Telling It Like It Is, Keeping It Real, and closing lanes on the George Washington Bridge when “it” doesn’t suit him
Likes: Food, Atlantic City, War
Dislikes: President Obama, Fort Lee, Fantasy Football, New York, Being Governor of Jew Jersey when he’s trying to run for president
Public Outlook: If there was one president who could have exemplified how the rest of the world viewed the United States as a whole through the 90’s, it would have been Gov. Chris Christie. Stereotypically over-weight? Check. Ready to brandish military might like a George Carlin “bigger dick” bit? Check. Pouty when he doesn’t get his way? Check. The president America deserves, but not the one we need right now. Or, ever.
Pros: Unlike Donald Trump, at least we would know how far to push the Doomsday clock to 12.
Cons: Would probably force Americans to stay in the country with sanctions on other countries.
Quote: “Man up and say I’m fat.”