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Apple Releases Info on Crucial Apple Watch Accessories

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San Francisco, CA: Following Apple’s public introduction of the company’s latest techno-bauble yesterday, creatively dubbed the Apple Watch, Apple has continued to keep public interest and stock rises going by releasing information today on a slew of accessories that will make the Apple Watch even more responsive and more expensive.

These featured accessories come at a crucial time for the Apple Watch as criticism of the smart watch is at its peak. The criticism stems two groups: technology experts that find the idea of a smart watch pointless, and Apple-philes that find the base model of the watch too inexpensive to make them feel superior to non-Apple users.

One techno-geek, Martin Blankenship, seemed to speak for many. “I know that phones and computers and other smart devices are getting smaller and smaller, but the Apple Watch is ridiculous,” explained Blankenship. “I have a hard enough time looking at porn on my phone. A watch is just ridiculous. And can be ridiculously messy.”

When asked about how simple answering a phone call could be, Blankenship laughed. “Sure, it’s easy. It’s also the most expensive WiFi and Bluetooth device known to man, and that’s not counting the 18-karat gold edition. You still need a damn iPhone to actually get phone calls.”

Apple-philes also seemed to have the same issues as a group. “A starting price of $349? Bullshit!” exclaimed Apple User Alan Himmelman. “Every Apple Watch should at least be more expensive than an iPhone. How else am I going to taunt cheap-asses that don’t go out and get the latest model?”

When asked about the gold edition, Himmelman laughed and said he “already had five of those.”

Luckily, the potential accessories for the Apple Watch promise to be as useful as they are extremely expensive.

One potential addition to the Apple Watch is the Apple Billboard. For a mere $2,500, an Apple Watch can be outfitted with a projection screen that can surely be seen by showcase your most private information on the side of a building if necessary.

Another possible addition to the Apple Watch line is Apple Mind. This $75,000 accessory burrows into your wrist and connects to your central nervous system, sending your Facebook page and Twitter feed status directly into your brain.

For a more modest price of $59 a month, Apple has also presented the Apple Drain, a subscription-based application that slowly drains money out of your bank account each minute that the Apple Watch is active.

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Patrick is the man behind the man behind the site behind the man.... When he isn't writing for The Inept Owl, saving penguins from Hulk Hogan, and other activities that could be either truths or lies, he's editing everything else.

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