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President Obama Asks Americans for Just the Airstrikes

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Washington, DC— In a televised statement today, President Obama declared that he only wants to get a little involved in Iraq. The speech included a plea to the American people, insisting it will just be once and it’ll just be “a couple air strikes.” Obama suggested that the public might, in fact, like it a lot and it’s really no big deal. He dismissed claims that the US is getting itself involved in yet another Middle East conflict as “so last term” and insisted, “Baby, I’ve changed.”

The American public has expressed some skepticism about Obama’s promise to limit the conflict to air strikes. Susie McAllen, a schoolteacher from Virginia, doubted Obama’s ability to commit. “Look, we just got out of a long war and we don’t want to get involved in something all of a sudden. Can’t we just start with diplomacy and work our way up? Like, he’s a nice president and all that, but I just don’t think I’m ready for another land war.”

Others are suspicious that Obama has been considering other conflicts. “What’s this whole thing with Syria, huh?” said Megan McNancy, a lawyer from Utah. “And I heard from my friend Bibi that he’s been doing some ‘advising’ over in Israel. Listen, I’m a one-armed-conflict-at-a-time kind of girl and I don’t want to get played here.”

Obama attended several town halls to soothe nervous Americans, rubbing peoples’ shoulders as he promised he’d never, ever make the same mistake. “I learned my lesson,” Obama cooed into the ear of several skeptical Americans. “It’s just air strikes this time and I’ll be totally satisfied. Really, just you, me and several hundred tons of ordinance. Promise.” He gave a retired woman in Nebraska a peck on the cheek.

Talk from Obama’s friends has made Americans more suspicious. General Martin Dempsey explained that Obama’s totally the type to say anything if it means he’ll be able to get into someone’s land conflict. Secretary of State John Kerry suggested that Obama didn’t need full-on land war right now, but there was a chance if there were “very, very dramatic changes.” When asked to elaborate on what kind of changes, Kerry claimed, “Well, I mean, every president has needs, you know?”

For now, the American public has accepted Obama’s push for just air strikes, but they made it clear that the first hint of a land war and they’re kicking him right out. Obama, meanwhile, has promised to be gentle. “But, you know, if at any point you feel like a land war, we could totally do that, too.”

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