Geneva, Switzerland— Today at the UN, Secretary of State John Kerry condemned Palestine’s acts of aggression which have taken a horrible toll on Israel. Throughout the past few weeks, Palestine has launched tens of rockets across the border, destroying almost an acre of corn, killing two lambs and starting a small fire in a National park.
Israel has been forced to retaliate as best it can with a modest arsenal of anti-tank missiles, self-propelled howitzers, and attack drones. People from all over the country have been pitching in to the defense, partly out of a patriotic sense of due and partly because they are mandated by law to do so. Israel has managed to gain the upper hand through perseverance, fortitude and vastly superior weaponry wielded by a highly trained fighting force.
“It is unacceptable in the modern era to have this type of violence being visited on a peaceful people. Palestine needs to come to the table to negotiate.” Secretary Kerry said during an hour-long harangue, “Preferably a table in Israel, because I’m not sure if they have any tables left over there.”
The UN, inexplicably, has sided with Palestine, likely due to the power pro-Palestinian lobby that exists in the member nations. The UN has authorized the use of an unprecedented amount of disapproval, unleashing a flurry of angry emails and resolutions of heartfelt disappointment. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon has made use of some of his sternest looks to date.
As usual, social media has taken the side of Palestine. Pictures have appeared on Twitter and blogs showing destroyed Palestinian homes and cities. US Officials have condemned Twitter for allowing people to post real things that are happening to them. They suggested media behave more like NBC, who stood up to the pro-Palestine agenda by firing one of their reporters from Palestine coverage for reporting on civilian deaths.
“It was a tough decision,” Said NBC spokesperson Carly McNeil, “But we were just so tired of Palestinians always getting their way.”
Other media has also taken this opportunity to throw its weight behind Palestine. Joke news websites like the Inept Owl have been attacking Israel with snarky articles that take quotes out of context and misrepresent real events. One article claimed that “Israel’s war is what happens when big guns meet bad government.”
Many on the Palestinian side claim that Israel’s war is what happens when big guns meet bad government. Those people are out of their minds.