Washington, DC- House Majority Leader Eric Cantor was handed an historic defeat in the Republican primary yesterday by a local house pet. The surprise winner, a guppy named Pedro, drew vociferous support from the amphibious segment of the population and has called into question the future of the Republican Party.
“The truth is, I think people are fed up with land-based candidates,” political pundit and merman Carp Rove said on Fox News Underwater today. “Pedro appealed to a pretty powerful demographic with a solid kelp-root campaign.”
Many political analysts saw the primary defeat as a referendum on the current state of terrestrial politics and have questioned whether policies focused on land issues will be able to find a way forward. Representative Cantor has been a supporter of reforms that mainly targeted creatures that walked on two legs. His defeat may indicate that the Republican base has become increasingly aquatic.
Cantor held a press conference on the banks of the Potomac, drawing both land and sea-dwellers alike. “I’m disappointed, but firmly believe this country, the whole country,” Cantor said, extending his arms. “From sea to shining sea.”
At the same time, Pedro held his press conference in Virginia Beach from his bowl. He let out a few bubbles, went belly-up for a few tense moments and then finished his address by plucking at the gravel on the bottom of his bowl.
Republicans have already begun adapting their strategy to this new constituency. Aides are now required to attend a screening of Finding Nemo and are assigned readings from Geopolitical Theory of the Little Mermaid. Many prominent Republicans have also signed a pledge drawn up by political strategist and manatee Grover Rockfish. The pledge binds Republicans to raise no sea-taxes without cuts from land-based spending.
Democrats, on the other hand, have resolved to move ahead with policies on land, despite a rising tide of protest. They recently upped pressure on Republicans to pass reform for immigration across land-based borders.
Mitch McConnell, Senate Minority Leader and sea turtle, struck back against this effort, saying to reporters, “Immigration reform?! What the hell does this have to do with immigration reform?”
(Guppy photo by Dallas Photographer Matthew T. Rader)