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Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 5-26-2014

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We’re back! Back to unlocking the mysteries of the stars in order to learn our paths in life. Back to understand how destiny and opportunity intertwine day to dayastrologist.

For those of you that are back for the free bologna skins, here are this week’s horoscopes! Trust me. I have a telescope.

 

 

 

 

 

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ARIES

You feel extra-social today. You know, publicly social, not “continuously posting on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and whatever else is considered social media.

TAURUS

You’re still riding that wave of good energy. Hopefully that isn’t another phrase for “hungover after Memorial Day Weekend.”

GEMINI

A new bill crosses your desk and makes you wonder how you’re going to keep up with them all. Consider getting rid of your subscription to the “Jelly of the Month” club.

CANCER

You’ve got a strong sense that you need to get back home. Or to the beach. Anywhere but work.

LEO

Take advice and listen to the group before making decisions. Or, if you’re the boss, listen to thoughts and incorporate them into your agenda where applicable.

VIRGO

Go in a little deeper and see if you can get your people to agree with a new level of scrutiny. Just don’t try to be the company insult comic. That’s a lawsuit waiting to happen.

LIBRA

It’s way past time for you to step in and help your friends or family members. That time lapse is usually a few seconds, especially when dealing with mothers. mother’s Day doesn’t count.

SCORPIO

You’re at one end of a spectrum today. If you want to contact someone at the other end, use a phone.

SAGITTARIUS

If you start to panic today, remember this: beer is not logical riot loot.

CAPRICORN

A sense of duty is pushing you toward something bigger and better to flush.

AQUARIUS

Your mind is always absorbing new information. That’s why people label you a conspiracy theorist. Filter some of that information.

PISCES

Communication is everything today, even if it’s just flipping up a finger.

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