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Chipotle Asks Customers Not to Bring Their Ancient, Mystical Weapons Into Restaurants

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Denver, CO— US fast-food chain Chipotle Mexican Grill has issued a statement formally requesting that customers leave behind their ancient weapons of unspecified mystical power when eating at their restaurants. The decision was handed down after customers in a Texas location issued complaints about a local guild coming to one of the chain’s locations and bringing along several weapons of untold origin and power.

“I know they would say that we should feel safe, that they’re not the bad guys,” said one customer, who preferred to remain anonymous in case the patrons in question were wielders of dark magic or possessed all-seeing eyes. “But you never really know who’s who when you’re out in the open. I just want to be able to go see a movie or enjoy a burrito without worrying about getting my mind flayed by some dark mage who got his hands on an ancient staff from some dead wizard’s cave without even having to go through a waiting period.”

The members of the guild, Open Carry (All-Powerful Relics) TX, maintain that they were perfectly peaceful and did not bring their ancient weapons with the intention of harming anyone. “We’re a completely harmless group who just wanted to enjoy a meal with each other and our favorite weapons,” said the group’s founder, Drystan the Crusher. “I wasn’t brandishing my broadsword which traps the souls of those it fells or anything like that. I just wanted to show it to my fellow guild members.”

Chipotle has meanwhile stood by its decision, stating that, “Although most wielders of all-powerful weapons have attained ownership through heroic means, feats of strength, or by collecting enough septims to purchase them legally, we respectfully ask that these owners leave their weapons at home unless they are of the King’s Guard or belong to any of several orders of peacekeeping and justice.”

Many speculate that Chipotle’s decision was a response to pressure from the advocacy group Mothers Against Wielding Ancient Evil, who petitioned Chipotle founder and CEO Steve Ells to issue a ban on the weapons. MOWAE holds the position that attaining these weapons require no background checks in most areas, and the checks that are in place are usually just the recommendation of a mentor or old, dying wizard looking for a replacement. The advocates assert that even those who attain the weapons heroically can be “irrevocably changed” by their “lust for power” and the “dark influence” of certain weapons.

“I think one of those dudes had a staff that kept talking to me,” said another customer at the Chipotle location in question. “I don’t know what it was saying, it was probably in Elvish or something like that, but it made me really uncomfortable.” The customer stated that whenever he looked at the staff he felt “barely controllable urges” to steal the staff and “cast a cleansing fire” upon the rest of the patrons.

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Patrick is a comedy writer living in Chicago. He enjoys writing articles that hopefully make people chuckle and think, "Hey, that was pretty alright." He does that here and he also does it over at Man Cave Daily. If you thought something he wrote was pretty alright, boy howdy he sure does appreciate it.

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