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Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 5-19-2014

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We’re back! Back to unlocking the mysteries of the stars in order to learn our paths in life. Back to understand how destiny and opportunity intertwine day to dayastrologist.

For those of you that are back for the free bologna skins, here are this week’s horoscopes! Trust me. I have a telescope.

 

 

 

 

 

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ARIES

Don’t worry too much about what goes on today. Tomorrow it may all be wrecked by a 50 ft. lizard that stands upright and has a more annoying voice than Fran Drescher.

TAURUS

A good friend tries to get your attention or comfort you, which is highly suspicious. Good friends always try to take your mind off things by getting you drunk, calling you names, and farting in your face.

GEMINI

Idealism suits you well. It must have begun when you started listening to Hootie and the Blowfish and thought, “Yeah, this is some great music.”

CANCER

Your emotions are making life a lot stranger today. Remember when you used to stare at people who would mumble incomprehensible things on the street and break out crying while waiting for an elevator? Yeah, that’s you now.

LEO

Your sense of pride is making life a little weirder than usual. Why are so many of these readings about being strange or weird? Is my telescope lens cracked? Not that it would matter. You’ve been following the star readings of a man that’s blind drunk. Surprise!

VIRGO

Your routines need some variety. Try driving to work naked. It may take you places you’ve never been to before. Like jail.

LIBRA

With energy like this, it’d be a shame not to do something totally fun. Like, totally. Knock your socks off totally fun. The total opposite of reading your horoscope.

SCORPIO

Expect a few problems with family or roommates. Like I really need the stars to figure that one out. People that you live with: business as usual; replace the milk when you finish it; don’t leave dirty clothes in the hallway; poop goes in the toilet; rent on time.

SAGITTARIUS

A message comes your way, probably pretty early, that brings you closer to happiness. Not you, Mr. Pistorius. Don’t even take a step.

CAPRICORN

You are quite a planner, and today’s mental energy helps you foresee what you are likely to need for quite some time to come. And when you’re done with that, give me a hand as my life coach while you’re at it.

AQUARIUS

You may feel excited over something that doesn’t seem like that big a deal to others. fuck ’em. I bet they never even tried to play the Mass Effect Trilogy for 72 hours straight.

PISCES

Your deep need to help people is out on display today. Unfortunately, helping people to you means kicking their asses, which will probably get you into trouble.

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