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Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 5-12-2014

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We’re back! Back to unlocking the mysteries of the stars in order to learn our paths in life. Back to understand how destiny and opportunity intertwine day to dayastrologist.

For those of you that are back for the free bologna skins, here are this week’s horoscopes! Trust me. I have a telescope.

 

 

 

 

 

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ARIES

Your emotional side is in need of some attention. Perhaps a severe emotional beating over the phone by a parent is in order to put you on the right track.

TAURUS

Passions are driving your behavior today, and you may find that your friends are looking at you funny before evening falls. What did you expect when you left the house in nothing but a diaper and a T-shirt that says, “Baby Huey” with an arrow pointed down?

GEMINI

Your feelings might be a bit overwhelming. Maybe not Jean Grey “I’m going to disintegrate everything around me” overwhelming, but enough.

CANCER

Intensity is definitely on your agenda. If it ends up getting you fired, maybe you can use that intensity to become the next Billy Mays.

LEO

Someone close to you isn’t working toward your best interests. How dare they not fall in line, even if you didn’t help them move because you had to catch up on “Game of Thrones.” That was YOUR best interest at the moment.

VIRGO

Those around you may be confused, but your ability to explain things is seriously enhanced right now. At least to your understanding. If they don’t get it, they’re idiots.

LIBRA

Change is coming. Just check under the cushions of your couch.

SCORPIO

Personal magnetism draws others to you without any effort on your part. Or it could be how you wave a gun around and yell really loudly. Potato, potato…

SAGITTARIUS

It’s a low-key day for you. Make sure to wear dark glasses and pull a hat over your face so people know not to bother you. If all else fails, wear a discreet moustache, beard, and a black cape.

CAPRICORN

Your social standing is important to you. It’s the only way to explain why you’re still obsessed with how many Facebook friends you have after all these years.

AQUARIUS

Emotional business is more intense today. It’s pretty much intense any day that you refer to it as “emotional business.” Try calling it “life.”

PISCES

You don’t feel quite right today. Check to make sure that you took off those nipple-clips from last night.

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