With grammar school graduations only one month away, the United States has begun preparations for the nationwide question that children everywhere are asked at this stage of their development: what do you want to be when you grow up?
In previous years, this question was answered with a wide range of colorful and aspiring of careers, talents, and dreams such as: doctor; astronaut; fireman; President of the United States; pro athlete of every sport in the world. Now that most students have spent more years than not using the Common Core State Standard Initiative, the answers to this question are becoming radically different.
5th grade student Tommy Barnes has high aspirations for what he wants to be when he grows up, stating, “I want to be five balloons! Or maybe the quantified ration of strawberries to wicker baskets.”
When asked what a wicker basket is made of, Tommy Barnes burst into tears and ran screaming for his mother.
Another 5th grade student, Susan Corales, was a bit more coherent when answering questions about her future. “I want to be a test taker when I grow up,” stated Ms. Corales. “I know I can take tests, make tests, or teach tests as a job. I think I’m best at taking tests.” Standardized test creator, evaluator, and seller Pearson has used Ms. Corales’ statement as proof that Common Core is working.
“This little girl is using the problem-solving tools that Common Core is meant to teach,” stated Malory Huggins, public relations consultant of the Standardized Tests Department. “Mainly, that everything she is learning and ever will learn in the future is about the test. She will grow up working for the tests. When she has children, she will recite problems on the test instead of nursery rhymes. The test will be life.”
Standardized Test performance evaluator Mark LeGrande submitted to an interview after all reporters present submitted to a journalistic aptitude evaluation test (at a cost of $95.95 per test plus processing fees plus handling fees plus cost of preparation kits. LeGrande accepted checks or whatever was in a reporter’s wallet.) “The idea of the Common Core State Standards Initiative is to create a base of education for our children to start from so that they may be prepared for the next level of education,” explained LeGrande.
When asked what these levels of education should ultimately lead to, LeGrande stated, “Well, that depends on the individual and how they do in our Common Core State Standards Initiative: Adult Edition. Only then can we decide if more testing is necessary to come up with a test that can help give us an answer to that.”
In other news, the grave of George Orwell and Aldous Huxley were recently found desecrated, covered in mounds of test booklets and urine.