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Soft Drink Companies to Drop Healthiest-Sounding Ingredient from their Products

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New York, NY— In an effort to curtail any misleading beliefs that soft drinks may have an ingredient that sounds slightly good for you, the companies PepsiCo and Coca-Cola recently announced that they would discontinue the use of brominated vegetable oil in all of their products. This decision will make sure that a term even remotely referencing something healthy such as “vegetable” will not be tolerated for consumption by the general public.

“For too long, brominated vegetable oil has been a black mark on an otherwise vague and artificial-sounding list of ingredients,” stated soft drink marketing director Stacy Sugar. “The replacement of the ingredient is a good start. Now all we need to do is get rid of anything resembling the term ‘juice’ or ‘natural’ or ‘water’ and we will be rid of anything that remotely sounds healthy.”

Brominated vegetable oil first came under fire due to the fact that is is also used as a flame retardant. Somehow, this criticism was later aimed at how natural, healthy, and very not-artificial the word sounded in the list of mostly artificial ingredients.

“I’m glad they’re finally getting brominated vegetable oil out of their sodas and sports drinks,” stated beverage aficionado Paul Emmerlan, who drinks about 5 gallons of cola a day and has type 2 diabetes. “It was overpowering the tangy taste of yellow 5 and the smooth flavor of glycerol ester of wood rosin. It had to go.”

Proponents of making soft drinks sound as artificial as possible applauded the replacement of brominated vegetable oil, but they aren’t finished yet. “There are plenty of words left on that ingredients list that sound a little suspicious. A little too healthy, if you ask me,” explained Emmerlan. “Carbonated water? Has to go. Citric acid? Orange juice concentrate? Makes me think of Vitamin C. Natural flavor? How much more natural can you get.”

Stacy Sugar has since stated that natural flavors could mean anything, from the burnt ashes of coal to urine. “My company stands by the idea that the term ‘natural’ does not always mean healthy,” Sugar stated.

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Patrick is the man behind the man behind the site behind the man.... When he isn't writing for The Inept Owl, saving penguins from Hulk Hogan, and other activities that could be either truths or lies, he's editing everything else.

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