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Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 5-5-2014

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We’re back! Back to unlocking the mysteries of the stars in order to learn our paths in life. Back to understand how destiny and opportunity intertwine day to dayastrologist.

For those of you that are back for the free bologna skins, here are this week’s horoscopes! Trust me. I have a telescope.

 

 

 

 

 

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ARIES

Emotionally, you are at your peak right now. Whether that means you’re at the peak of emotional peace or at the breaking point is unclear.

TAURUS

You are communicating well today. This normally happens when you take a weekend off from drinking.

GEMINI

You may get quite a lot done today. Granted, it may not be anything related to work or life, but that Sudoku book isn’t going to finish itself.

CANCER

Your emotional well-being is quite important, which is why you have to push it deep down and act like an ass to everyone in order to keep it protected.

LEO

Try something totally new today. In fact, go further and drag a friend or family member in with you. Obviously, this means that new shouldn’t be sexually related like I usually suggest.

VIRGO

Your best friends are trying to get things back on track. This calls for a karaoke melody of “Friendship” by Tenacious D.

LIBRA

Reconnect with your people today. What do I mean, “your people?” How should I know, I don’t know who the hell I’m instructing through the internet.

SCORPIO

Intuition is your most serious asset today, so make the most of it. Make assumptions, draw conclusions, hey, write a horoscope column!

SAGITTARIUS

Even if you have your doubts, you need to go in deep today. Real deep…. Deeper than you ever anticipated.

Balls deep. (I couldn’t hold it in any longer.)

CAPRICORN

If you’re not sure what to do next, look around and see what everyone else is doing. That way, you don’t look crazy for being the only one trying to cook by spraying lighter fluid into an oven.

AQUARIUS

Try not to push too far. You may end up with a piece of intestine floating in the bowl.

PISCES

A bright idea pops up in your head today that keeps you focused on the positive aspects of your life. Attempt to bury it by any means necessary. You don’t want to deal with a whole week of painful optimism.

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