US Government Finally Stops Using Internet Explorer Due to National Security Risks

Washington, DC— The Department of Homeland Security began putting a plan into action yesterday that would shift government offices away from the use of Internet Explorer.  The plan comes after revelations about security issues with the browser brought government attention to a myriad of other issues.

In a report, Department officials cited the security issues, but also suggested that the program “just doesn’t fucking work.”  Initial estimates suggest that over 75% of reported government waste may be linked to the use of Internet Explorer.  A spokesperson for the Congressional Budget Office suggested that countless man hours have been spent waiting for the loading of the “simplest goddamn page” and that health premiums for government employees have spiked due to Explorer-related heart conditions.

The service switch plan is the largest and most expansive since an operation named “Netscape Exodus” in which hundreds of government employees realized that anything was better than Netscape Navigator.  But the move to Internet Explorer seems to be just the beginning of their problems.

Taking advantage of this rare opportunity to change the way the government does something, some offices have begun recommending employees discontinue the use of other software.  The Department of Veterans Affairs has begun testing other options for generating its graphical content aside from MSPaint.  The Department’s webpage recently removed the animated gifs from its webpage and migrated its servers away from Geocities.

Some critics are concerned that the move may end up requiring an even greater overhaul of software and hardware in government offices.  Some of the modern browsers remain incompatible with some departments’ operating systems, since Firefox had never been developed for Windows ’98 and Chrome operates with difficulty on the Pentium 2.  Other departments may be unable to make use of these browsers, as AOL 4.0 does not allow the use of non-AOL browsers, and content loads with difficulty on 14.4 modems.

Republicans have lodged objections to the change, calling it an attack on traditional American values.  Ted Cruz assaulted a group of reporters today, exclaiming, “The Constitution was written on Winword and the dial-up sounds are an essential part of our heritage.  Internet should be between a man, a computer and 16 Megabytes of memory.”

Those opposed to the move had planned on distributing an informative video entirely on 3.5-inch floppies, but abandoned the plan after several Congress members were wounded trying to wheel the complete disk set into the House chamber.  They have instead decided to upload the video using government computers.  They plan to release it sometime next year.