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Microsoft Warns that Windows XP Systems will Self-Destruct at Midnight

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Ramin Talaie/Getty Images

Redmond, WA— The countdown to extinction began this morning due to the fact that Microsoft’s support for the Windows XP operating system will end at some point today. Unfortunately, financial analysts at Microsoft have yet to see a surge of migration towards Microsoft’s latest OS, Windows 8.

The lack of movement for the general public to leave Windows XP is not due to lack of knowledge. For the past year, Microsoft has badgered its customers about the importance of leaving the twelve year old computer system for a newer, fresher, and probably worse OS, Windows 8. Warnings have included:

  • large, orange exclamation points on Microsoft Essentials icons.
  • frequent screen failures with a pop-up box stating, “This wouldn’t happen if you had Windows 8.”
  • Bill Gates returning to a more hands-on position at Microsoft.

Employees at Microsoft have been relatively stunned at the resistance for Windows XP users to make the change.

“The longevity of Windows XP really began as an eight year apology for Windows Vista,” explained Microsoft publicist Mary Herman. “Obviously, Vista really was that bad.”

“The responsibility obviously falls at our feet,” stated Bill Gates. “We developed a product that was easy to use, had very few issues, and has been continually updated at no cost to the consumer for twelve years. I think I speak for everyone at Microsoft when I say, ‘We’re sorry.’ The general public has become accustomed to buggy technology rife with problems that breaks down after a year, and Microsoft failed to accomplish this with Windows XP. But I promise you, we will do better.”

The lack of urgency surrounding the migration from Windows XP has prompted Microsoft to follow up it’s network-wide notices with a less subtle scare tactics, including:

  • Calling customers on their home, business, cell phones, and faxes at the same time to show that personal information is in jeopardy.
  • large, red exclamation points on Microsoft Essentials icons.
  • Email of gibberish coming from a ‘@windowsxp.com’ address.

As a last ditch effort, Microsoft has begun calling and emailing customers still using Windows XP to let them know that the operating system will self destruct at midnight with a blast that will consume a three mile radius surrounding the product still running Windows XP.

“It was either this self-destruction thing, or saying that products with Windows XP will become sentient and take over the world,” Gates said. “We figured the sentience thing would still show the value of Windows XP, so we went with the thing blowing up in your face.”

 

 

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