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Congress Offers Campaign Finance Package Deals at Low Low Prices

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Washington, DC— With the removal of the cap on campaign contributions last week, Congress has begun putting forth methods to entice election buyers.  Republicans, hailing the Supreme Court’s decision as a “victory for free speech,” have granted special “election credits” to the individuals responsible for pushing the decision through.

Senator Mitch McConnell, standing together with his constituency of wealthy white men, spoke to the press. “To reward these heroic donors who opened their wallets and let the free speech pour out, we’re giving them the next three elections they buy half off,” stated McConnell. “It’s the least we can do for standing up in the face of broad public opposition.”

The Republicans have also unveiled a number of options for potential buyers to purchase elections in bulk.  For the upcoming midterm elections, Republicans are preparing a “Fire Sale” in some districts, slashing the usual fundraising prices by up to 30%.  They’ve even begun offering a daily deal.  Today, the Alabama Senate race is up for grabs and, for only a few hundred thousand dollar, donors can be sure that they’ll have every cent of their free speech listened to, no matter which Republican wins the election.

“At these prices, you can’t lose!” said McConnell. “Every election must go! This sale is absolutely craaaaazy! No, really, it’s crazy that this is actually happening.”

The Democrats have criticized the Republicans for exploiting the Supreme Court decision in this way, calling it undemocratic and offensive to the loyal donors that have worked hard to buy elections despite laws barring them from doing so.  Democrats have instead introduced a “loyalty program” for frequent election purchasers.  Members of the loyalty program earn special discounts and a “Free Speech Card” on which they receive a stamp for each election they buy.  After nine elections, the tenth election is free.

Loyal Democrat donors who purchase a county election will also be given the option to “super-size” their purchase and pick up a state election of their choice for a fraction of the normal cost.  Donors who choose to super-size also get a free copy of the Constitution submitted for their edits.

In response to all of this, the White House has been indignant at the exclusion of the American public from the election process.  To answer the concerns of the public, President Obama issued an executive order that institutes a “free speech lottery” for state elections.  For a small fee, residents will be able to enter to win dinner with a Congressperson, who will take their opinion into consideration.  Due to federal budget issues, winners will be required to pay for the dinner.

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