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Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 3-31-2014

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We’re back! Back to unlocking the mysteries of the stars in order to learn our paths in life. Back to understand how destiny and opportunity intertwine day to dayastrologist.

For those of you that are back for the free bologna skins, here are this week’s horoscopes! Trust me. I have a telescope.

 

 

 

 

 

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ARIES

Your financial condition needs a tweak or two. Just be careful not to tweak your accountants nipples. That’s sexual harassment.

TAURUS

Your energy is in sync with the universe. Who knew the universe had issues getting out of bed at 5am?

GEMINI

Try to see today’s big obstacle as a time-out in productivity, and a time-in for major drinking.

CANCER

Try to get out there and mix it up socially. Even getting into a fist-fight over the ending to “How I Met Your Mother” is technically social.

LEO

Your career is taking off in a new way. And you thought some things can’t be related to porn!

VIRGO

You have deep sympathy for someone you may not have gotten along well with in the past. It may be a conflict of interest if this sympathy comes are you’re dumping their body off a bridge, but it shows that you have feelings.

LIBRA

You are at the peak of your powers when it comes to romance or attracting other kinds of attention. That still doesn’t mean you should just whip it out in public.

SCORPIO

One of your primary relationships needs some love. The time for using the opposite hand because it feels strange and new is over.

SAGITTARIUS

This is a great day for communication, even though that communication is probably full of lies.

CAPRICORN

Creative power is flowing through you like electricity. Unfortunately, Creativity Man will never make it as a member of the Avengers. Yes, even if there is a member named Ant-Man.

AQUARIUS

An older relative is causing some interesting problems today. And no, it has nothing to do with inheritance. Free money is never a problem.

PISCES

You have got to step up your game when it comes to communication. Mumbling like Dr. Steve Brule is funny, but gets nothing useful done.

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