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Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 3-17-2014

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We’re back! Back to unlocking the mysteries of the stars in order to learn our paths in life. Back to understand how destiny and opportunity intertwine day to dayastrologist.

For those of you that are back for the free bologna skins, here are this week’s horoscopes! Trust me. I have a telescope.

 

 

 

 

 

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ARIES

A minor setback feels like a big deal to you. Suck it up, Cranky-Pants.

TAURUS

You’re feeling a sense of social well-being that may boost your spirits and your confidence. If its because you got through the first day of March Madness with a perfect bracket, look out. There’s always tomorrow to lose one.

GEMINI

This is not a day for getting lots of things done quickly. It’s Friday. All that crap is going to snowball into the worst Monday ever.

CANCER

Gut-checks are vital today. You don’t want to eat an extra spicy burrito without a stomach, do you? It’ll make a horrible mess of your pants.

LEO

You are more sensitive than usual, and may interpret the smallest thing as a slight. So let’s get it all out of the way right now: go fuck yourself.

VIRGO

You feel somewhat restless today. At least you’re awake. You could be asleep, and soon to be fired, at work.

LIBRA

Now is a good time for you to show off your generosity. Especially since I need someone to loan me $20.

SCORPIO

Your goals are closer than ever. Closer to be coming impossible, but let’s not get caught up in semantics.

SAGITTARIUS

You may hear that little voice in your head again. Drown it with more beer.

CAPRICORN

Your hopeful nature comes out in a big way today. If the hopes have to do with a beautiful actress, be careful. Hoping becomes stalking awfully quick.

AQUARIUS

Your deep need to feel useful is making itself known. Stop going into my garage and tinkering with my car’s engine. I haven’t been on-time for work all week.

PISCES

You need to make sure that you’re dealing with people on their own terms, because nobody understands your dumbass terms.

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