Dallas, TX— Free agency season in the NFL has begun. For some teams, this means a chance to invest big money in the future by signing star athletes whose huge contracts had outgrown their form team’s needs. For teams like the Dallas Cowboys who have those players with huge contracts and are over the salary cap, it means getting leaner, more leaner, and even a little bit leaner.

To celebrate the beginning of the NFL free agency, the Cowboys have released some big names into the market, including defensive end DeMarcus Ware and wide receiver Miles Austin. With these cuts barely putting the Cowboys under the salary cap, management, aka Jerry Jones, may have to pull a rabbit out of their respective hats to even fill the holes that Ware and Austin left behind.

“It takes a smart businessman to admit when he needs help,” explained Jones. “This is why, finally, I will be hiring a general manager for this off-season. Someone who can maneuver through these salary cap issues. Someone who is not afraid to take a chance on some players. Someone that I can fire before training camp begins.”

That someone is former Detroit Lions general manager Matt Millen, who agreed to terms with the Cowboys early this morning and has already begun signing players that he feels will make the Dallas Cowboys as dominant as the Detroit Lions from 2001 – 2008.

“The truth is, I’ve never stopped scouting since I left the Lions,” stated Millen. “I’ve been creating a pool of talent to draw from thanks to multiple Craigslist ads that I’ve sent out over the years. People thought it was a joke when that Cleveland Browns fan posted an ad for a quarterback, but he was probably following my lead.”

Millen’s first Craigslist hire, Sam Smith, is set to replace Miles Austin at wide receiver for what may amount to “a fill-up on gas and a carton of Newports a week, plus playoff bonuses” as was stipulated in the preliminary contract proposal between Millen and Smith. “The cap value of this agreement is roughly $2,380,” explained Millen. “If we could get a few more signings like this under the league minimum $420,000 for rookies, we’ll be miles under the salary cap.”

Smith’s contract is pending a physical to see if he is indeed clean of methamphetamine as his work history claimed.

By Patrick AE

Patrick is the man behind the man behind the site behind the man.... When he isn't writing for The Inept Owl, saving penguins from Hulk Hogan, and other activities that could be either truths or lies, he's editing everything else.