Pyongyang, NORTH KOREA— In a landslide victory for the current Dear Leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-un was elected to the Supreme People’s Assembly, the highest legislative body of North Korea besides Kim Jong-un himself.
Kim Jong-un garnered 100% of the votes in his district of Mount Paekdu, coincidentally the place that the heavens belched his father, former Dear Leader Kim Jong-il, onto Earth.
Coincidentally, about 30% of the people located in the district of Mount Paekdu are currently missing.
“This is a proud moment for Dear Leader and the people of North Korea,” stated North Korean political analyst Kai Shi-woo. “Before, as many as 70% of the population of North Korea would disappear during elections. With only 30% disappearing this time, we have proven that the strength of Dear Leader and the people of North Korea is growing.”
In the other 686 districts of North Korea, all other unopposed candidates for the Supreme People’s Assembly won their respective seats, also with a 100% voting rate. The names of these members have not been released, as Dear Leader Kim Jong-un has yet to select them.
“Outsider may see these elections as trivial, considering the ballots had only one selection: ‘whoever Dear Leader wishes to anoint with his blessing.’ But it is not. People have a choice to select that, or do nothing at all,” explained Shi-woo.
Anonymous sources claim that polling stations allowed for one North Korean citizen to enter the ballot circle. A timer is set for 15 seconds. If the ballot is not punched and placed into the ballot box by then, armed guards would lead the citizen away to educate him or her on proper ballot-punching.