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CIA Accused of Spying on CIA

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Langley, VA— Reports were declassified today that revealed an extensive surveillance effort lead by the Central Intelligence Agency to investigate the activities of the Central Intelligence Agency.  The revelations could amount to federal charges and already several CIA officials have begun to file paperwork accusing the CIA of gross overreach of authority.

“We are shocked and disappointed to hear of this security breach,” said CIA Director John Brennan. “Whoever’s in charge has some explaining to do.”

The justification for the spying program is to ensure the activities of the CIA do not go beyond what was legally permissible.  There had been a number of informants that claimed the CIA was spying on government agencies, causing the CIA to initiate an effort to reign in this abuse.  The CIA intercepted a number of CIA communications and collected a massive amount of metadata from CIA phone calls.

Brennan was furious with CIA Director John Brennan and sent a personal memo that denounced the CIA’s methods.  In it, he wrote: “We expect this kind of privacy infringement on the American people, but not on the CIA.”

This scandal breaks amid a number of other national security scandals.  There are rumors that the National Security Agency was a part of the CIA’s spying program, offering advice based on experience with overreach.  Further reports about the CIA’s program indicate that the NSA itself may have also been a target of spying.

NSA Director General Keith Alexander was unsurprised by the possibility, suggesting that the NSA may have been spying on the CIA spying on the CIA.  Soon-to-be declassified reports indicate that the CIA may have gathered intelligence on the NSA’s gathering of intelligence on the CIA’s spying program and that, furthermore, the Federal Bureau of Investigators had been sending covert agents disguised as pizza delivery personnel to the NSA headquarters.  This report comes from the CIA, which had been secretly cooking the pizza that the FBI delivered to the NSA.  In the meantime, the NSA had taken control of a tomato sauce factory that was delivering its product to the CIA pizza shop.

In a statement today, President Obama attempted to assuage concerns about security breaches and the privacy of pizza deliveries: “Let me be clear. I agree that the privacy of our intelligence agencies is paramount, but I will do whatever is necessary to protect the country from the threat of intelligence agencies, even if that means having intelligence agencies invade the privacy of intelligence agencies.”

After the statement, Obama signed an executive order that, due to security concerns, intelligence agencies can no longer order delivery.

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