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Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 3-3-2014

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We’re back! Back to unlocking the mysteries of the stars in order to learn our paths in life. Back to understand how destiny and opportunity intertwine day to dayastrologist.

For those of you that are back for the free bologna skins, here are this week’s horoscopes! Trust me. I have a telescope.

 

 

 

 

 

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ARIES

Your hard work finally pays off. Isn’t it great when you finally figure out how to floss correctly?

TAURUS

Your arty side is fully engaged today, so head out and get creative! And when the cops come to stop you from spray-painting on a post office, just tell them, “I’m an artist!”

GEMINI

You bump into a wall that you didn’t know was there. Best wear a helmet all day.

CANCER

You’re in a good position to follow through on some old promise or plan that has fallen by the wayside lately. Just make sure she’s not already married.

LEO

You’re reaching beyond your grasp. You may want to pick up one of those plastic grabber-claw things. They must have been invented for a reason.

VIRGO

You should try something totally new today. Like trading in your Zubaz for yoga pants. It’s time to trade in mockery for irony.

LIBRA

Try not to be too possessive today. There’s a fine line between saving food and holding onto your toilet logs.

SCORPIO

Flexibility is the name of the game right now. If you can’t bend, just roll on the floor like you’re trying. That’s what I used to do when we had to stretch at gym class.

SAGITTARIUS

See if you can get your people to take care of their own business so that they don’t see you slacking with yours.

CAPRICORN

You’re having too much fun today. Stop being so happy, dammit! You’re making the rest of us more miserable.

AQUARIUS

A big change is coming. Hopefully it has nothing to do with you losing your penis in a freak elevator accident.

PISCES

Your ability to express yourself is enhanced today. Your middle finger seems to be half an inch longer!

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