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Russia Claims It’s “Totally Not” Invading Ukraine



Bakhchysarai, CRIMEA— In a statement yesterday, Russian President Vladimir Lenin Putin, who recently revealed his middle name, insisted that reports of Russian troops in Crimea have been greatly exaggerated.  He blamed this misinformation on the “nature of Capitalist news” and called on governments to follow Russia’s example of a well-disciplined media.

Putin allayed concerns about Russian tanks being sighted in Crimea by explaining that they were simply on their way to a tank show in peaceful Iran.  As for reports of Russian troops being transported into the region, Putin explained that Russian soldiers liked to vacation in the Crimea and couldn’t be bothered to take off their military uniforms or store their service weapons.  Concerns of soldiers who had reportedly seized airports in the area were dismissed by Putin, who explained the actions as a Russian version of “Fleet Week” in the United States.

In order to assure that no further misinformation makes it out of the region, Putin appointed a Secretary of Not-War, Brosef Shmalin, who insisted any resemblance to the former Communist dictator was purely coincidental.  “We Sov… Russians all look at least a little like Stalin,” he explained in an introductory message to what he referred to as the “Capitalist Imperial West.”

Secretary Shmalin assured the world that both the USSR and Russia respected Ukraine’s sovereignty and knocked down in advance any concerns about Russia’s feelings towards Uzbekistan, Estonia, Lithuania and Latvia.  “We respect nations’ sovereignty very much, so we send troops in to protect sovereignty. Is very good deal.”

Russia’s actions have drawn criticism from the international community.  President Obama made a statement that the US would not stand for a country having imperialist ambitions unless that country is the United States.  “We will not tolerate a return to the Cold War, when every time we tried to invade another country we had Russia stepping on our toes.  It’s inconvenient.”

Ukraine, meanwhile, has been desperately trying to convince the international community that Russian troops are not on vacation.  Acting Prime Minister Arseniy P. Yatsenyuk told the UN in a memo, “Guys, there’s Russian tanks rolling around Crimea.  Can we get a little help here?”

The UN has responded strongly, drafting a short message to Putin to ask that he tell vacationing Russian troops to be a bit less rowdy when going overseas to occupy foreign airports.  Secretary-General Ban Ki Moon said in a statement, “There are international rules for these kinds of things.  And we will make sure these rules are followed, no matter how many memos it takes.”

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