We’re back! Back to unlocking the mysteries of the stars in order to learn our paths in life. Back to understand how destiny and opportunity intertwine day to dayastrologist.

For those of you that are back for the free bologna skins, here are this week’s horoscopes! Trust me. I have a telescope.








You need to seize this big opportunity that is coming toward you and relish the moment. Unless you’re in public, because that’s a sex crime.


You feel more connected to people today, and it’s easier than ever before to have difficult discussions when they’re needed. Unfortunately, most of these discussions may be going on in your head after you’ve watched an X-Men movie marathon.


Interpersonal business is trickier than it ought to be today — you may want to go it alone for a bit, and call it impersonal business to your boss so you aren’t fired for slacking off.


You need to deal with something new and weird today. Maybe not “kidnapped by Pauley Shore and forced to watch Son-In-Law over and over again while Pauley provides commentary” weird, but weird enough.


You are all fired up over something new and exciting. If it’s about that new Kevin Costner movie, you may want to calm down. If it’s about the re-release of Anchorman 2 in theaters, have at it.


It’s time to ask out that new hottie. Unless that “new hottie” is the new office cappuccino maker in the break room. You may look weirder than usual sitting with an appliance at a restaurant.


You aren’t quite up to the stresses of the day. You know what to do. No no no! I meant, drink heavily! Geez, you’re so dramatic.


It’s one of those days when you can make solid plans to boost your career goals. Since you’re unemployed, every day is one of those days, but this is really one of those days.


Today brings a new chance to convert others to your cause. Just be sure to show potential converts those brand new red Nikes and iPhones before showing them the cyanide capsule they’ll need to take when the 4th comet of Orion passes by Earth.


Good news is coming your way. See? Isn’t that good news? Horoscopes are legit!


Make sure you can enforce a bit of discipline on yourself today. If you get tired, hire a madam.


Things are going your way today, even if you feel a bit troubled by your latest setback. So what if you lost your legs in a freak toilet paper accident! You can still run in the Paralympics.