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The Book of Brule

2
book_of_brule

Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule / Adult Swim

I know what you’re thinking: “When is Dr. Steve Brule going to write a brook? He knows lots of brooks, he watches them all the time. Why can’t he make a brook? It’s just words…”

Well, the wait is over, as Dr. Steve Brule plans to self-publish his own self-help book that reflects on his knowledge about life, science, hot dogs, ladies, and a lot of other stuff in “The Book of Brule.” The book, written by Dr. Steve Brule himself (with ghostwriting by Denny) and published by Myer’s Super Foods, will encompass everything Dr. Steve Brule knows with easy-to-read text, pictures, coupons for Toad’s Creamed Chipped Beef Corned Beef Hash Combo Can, and more pictures. Each copy will be signed by, as well as bound, jacketed, marketed, and sold by Dr. Steve Brule himself along with Denny in a labor of love, or due to financial considerations. The book is set to be released in time for the third season of “Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule” on Adult Swim.

What does Dr. Steve Brule talk about in this book? Why not let Dr. Steve Brule tell you himself. Let’s check it out!

Chapter 1: Looking Cool

brule_cool

Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule / Adult Swim

 

Everyone always asks me, “Dr. Steve, how are you so cool? How can I be as cool as you? What is cool, besides a metal pole in the winter?”

Well, it isn’t easy to be as cool as hot pajamas, but this chapter will try to explain how to be cool and get kisses from ladies like me, Dr. Steve Brule. I’ve gotten like a thousand kisses, and a million or so high-fives for being so cool, and pats on the butt.

In this chapter, I’ll discuss important, cool things, like:

“I have four wives and three girlfriends who live with me.”

“I have my own pizza oven in my house. Could have as many extra ingredients as I want and it doesn’t cost me any extra.”

“I invented a jetpack. I was going to invent a skatebroard, but I already have 500 of them, so I was, like, forget it. I’ll just make a flying surfboard instead with a jet-ski engine on it. I have about 150 jet-skis.”

“Leather jackets even make an old man look like a cool guy.”

“I’m pretty cool, too. I have a leather jacket of my own. I don’t care.”

“You don’t have to be ugly.”

Chapter 2: Relationships

brule_sex

Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule / Adult Swim

 

You may not know it, but I’m a pretty lonely guy, so I’m pretty good at knowing that relationships are important. How else are you going to get sexes? Hunks can’t write about how to get sexes, they have sexes all the time, what do they need to know about it?

In this chapter, I will tell you all about sexes and relationships, and how to get them. I hope it’s good advice, because I haven’t got sexes yet and need some good advice. Will you do sexes with me?

Some topics I’ll talk about are:

“Wine was invented by the Romans, for orgies. And orgies are not too much fun if no one wants to do with you.”

“Do you live alone like I do? Well guess what, there’s stuff you can do to make it not be so awful.”

“The doctor that took my berry juice told me that I was important so I can’t have a baby.”

“How come I don’t have any friends?”

“Shawarma gas keeps boys away.”

“If you wanna feel sexy, touch your face.”

“Sex is no laughing matter, unless you get nervous and get the giggles.”

“Boobies taste and feel like roast beef.”

“What the heck was in that whisky?”

“You can get pleasure from candy. You can get pleasure in your mouth. Or you could rub your dingus.”

“Sometimes the things that give you pleasure can hurt you, like I got hurt real bad from candy.”

Chapter 3: Family

brule_dad

Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule / Adult Swim

 

Relationships with sexes are important, but family is even more important, because your family is made up of people that you have your first relationships with. I have great relationships with my mom, my cousin, my dad (if he didn’t leave me when I was little, maybe), and my imaginary brother. Now I will show you how to make a family, and keep it!

Some of the topics I will discuss in this chapter include:

“I know it’s prom times coming up, and if you’re a senior in high school you’re thinking “What the heck am I gonna do for a date?” Take your sister, dum-dum, she’s a girl.”

“My mother, my uncle, is that who made me? Am I just a piece of rotten fruit from my family tree?”

“Family. Where would you be without ’em? Nowhere, that’s where. You wouldn’t be born.”

“A mommy, a auntie, a grandma, a newly wedded wife: if you plant a seed in them, you may create a life.”

“Some sisters are buried under your house.”

“Sunshine Brule is my cousin. Who cares?”

“Some dads are not your dad.”

“I wish I had a brother.”

Chapter 4: Food

brule_food

Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule / Adult Swim

 

Food is one of the most important things for your health. If you don’t eat it, you don’t get full, and then you yell at Denny because you’re hungry and you can’t shoot the show because he left. That’s why food is so important.

There are a lot of different foods, ways to eat food, ways to store food, and ways to pretend foods are something else so you can play with them or rub them on your dingus.

In this chapter, we will eat, and discuss:

“What the heck are you gonna do if you’re on a picnic and have an ice cream and then the ants crawl on the ice cream, what are you gonna do? You’re gonna eat the ants because it’s made out of protein.”

“Dumpsters are a good place to keep crabs fresh.”

“Fish is for cats. For your health.”

“Cold milk cools down hot food.”

“Sour cream and onion chips are good for your health.”

“Poison slows you down.”

“Food is bad for your health if you eat too many kinds of food at once.”

“Ever wonder why ice cubes taste so boring? It’s because you’re making them out of stupid water, you bimbo. Put some fruit juice in there, and freeze it into ice cubes, and put THAT in your milk!”

“Prumpkins aren’t pruppets, but they can cut your fingers off.”

Chapter 5: Boats & Money…to Buy More Boats

brule_money

Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule / Adult Swim

 

You can never have too many broats. That’s how people know how successful you are, because you tell them how many broats you have and they go, “Wow, Steve, you’re so cool and rich!” and I say, “I know, now give me another broat and a sandwich made of prizza.”

Sometimes you need money to buy broats. What did you think, the captains just hand the broats to you on the high seas and gives you their captain hat? No, ya dingus, you need money to buy broats.

In this chapter I talk all about broats, and something about money, like “Do you have some money to give me?” and “Buy this book so I can get some money.” Topics include:

“The best way to get your body ready to go on a broat is to eat a lot of seafood.”

“Pirates use boats to steal gold but they have pretty hair.”

“If you’re gonna go on a kryak, then you should keep track of where the heck you’re going on the high seas.”

“I have five broats.”

“Money, where the heck does it come from? You could have a job, a summer job selling popcorn. But guess what? I know where to get a lot of it, and I don’t mean a brank. I mean a place called ‘mint’ where they make money. You just make as much as you want! We’re gonna to be rich!”

 Chapter 6: Sciences

brule_diarrhea

Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule / Adult Swim

 

Sciences are some of life’s great mysteries in the universe. I should know, I’m a doctor. It’s in my name, Dr. Steve Brule. But sciences aren’t only about your health and talking to David Liebe Hart about aliens and rubbing your dingus to make milk for your cereal.

Sciences are all around you, and help you figure out why it’s light out when the sun comes up, or what ice cubes are, or why your pee turns red when you drink battery acid, or how to write letters so you can spell your name, like “Dr. Steve Brule!”

Some science stuff we discuss are:

“I’m a doctor, too, you dingus.”

“As a doctor, I should be able to tell you what causes diarrhea. However, viewer, it is one of the greatest mysteries in the scientific world.”

“Bones are made from the stuff your muscles don’t like, the junk that your muscles throw out.”

“I saw a bobo rub his penis and it made milk.”

“What could space be? What could it be made out of? What the heck are all those lights out there? Is it just a black curtain with holes in it? I don’t know, I’m trying to find out!”

“Do you think there’s life on Earth?”

“Careful of prayers, they could be spells on you.”

“Black holes are good for a nap.”

“How do you get a mountain to start? Well, it stars with a mole hill, of course. The mole digs and digs and digs and kicks out the dirt from behind it, then mixes it with its poop pellets, which become the dirt of the mountain. And if he keeps kicking and digging and digging and digging and pooping, and digging, and digging, and digging, and pooping, and digging… then it becomes a mountain.”

“I wish I could have telepathy. Then I could think about a food and it would fly and appear.”

“Where does life even come from? What’s the mystery of life? Right here. Life comes from eggs. It’s not just for omelettes, you dingus. It could make a baby boy or a baby girl, too.”

Chapter 7: Animals

brule_lizard

Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule / Adult Swim

 

I love animals. Well, except for roaches, lizards, guide-dogs, shrimps, furries, and pruppets.

There are a lot of uses for animals. You can pet them, eat them, wear them as a hat, and make them bite Denny because he’s acting like a dingus.

Some of the animal stuff that we’ll discuss in this chapter include:

“Let’s have an animal parade. It’s not that fun, but what else you gonna do dressed up like a dang animal?”

“Life is about having a good time and having candy, not putting roaches in your hair!”

“Can you teach me to be a guide-dog-man? You can brush me like a dog. You could give me a bath. Smell my breath and see if I’m nice.”

“Shrimps are bugs.”

Chapter 8: Toad’s Cream Chipped Beef Corned Beef Hash Combo Can

brule_sponsor

Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule / Adult Swim

 

This brook wouldn’t be possible without Toad’s Creamed Chipped Beef Corned Beef Hash Combo Can because… it was written in ink made from Toad’s Creamed Chipped Beef Corned Beef Hash Combo, and the cover is a flattened can. What did you think, we’d give you a full can for free?

Topics about Toad’s Creamed Chipped Beef Corned Beef Hash Combo Can include:

 “Toad’s Creamed Chipped Beef Corned Beef Hash Combo Can is available at Myer’s Super Foods.”

“Toad’s Creamed Chipped Beef Corned Beef Hash Combo Can can be cooked on the stove right in the can. Just turn on the gas.”

“Damaged cans are just as good as the regular cans of Toad’s Creamed Chipped Beef Corned Beef Hash Combo Can.”

There you have it! So read it out, or have someone read it for you if you can’t because you can’t make words read right.

About Author

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Patrick is the man behind the man behind the site behind the man.... When he isn't writing for The Inept Owl, saving penguins from Hulk Hogan, and other activities that could be either truths or lies, he's editing everything else.

  • Anonymous

    sorry but this is painful.

  • Dr. Steve Brule

    Well, that’s your decision, Anogamus. But you know what they say, when something’s painful, put some salt on it. For your health!

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