Fort Lee, NJ: With the recent investigation tying New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie and some of his political advisers and allies to a purposeful traffic jam at the George Washington Bridge this past September, it seems that Christie’s re-election, and possibly any dreams of running for presidency, are having their own lane closures.

The scandal involves purposeful lane closure at the George Washington Bridge, which led to extreme traffic patterns in and around Fort Lee. The closures are believed to be unnecessary and was done as a series of emails and text-messages disclosed Wednesday showed that a senior aide and appointees of Gov. Christie forced days of traffic jams as political retribution against the Democratic Fort Lee mayor, Mark Sokolich.

While the idea that a politician would be as petty as to put thousands of employees at risk of being late for work as political chest-puffing, supporters of Gov. Christie believe that the actions may actually help the potential of him running for president.

“Can you imagine the lives that could be saved if a president used traffic patterns as a way to disrupt military aggression?” exclaimed one Christie supporter, Arnold Hemdinger. “Instead of bombs, we could just drop lane closures. No matter how heavily armed someone, or an army, is, no one crosses a lane closure due to construction.”

Military strategists at the Department of Defense have already begun applying the idea of false traffic to past wars before testing the strategy in the field. “Everything points to the peaceful stymying of of foreign attacks if false construction is put in,” exclaimed analyst Karen Borg. “Traffic demoralizes the attacker, to the point that they are easily overrun by the time they break through or that they just turn around and go home. Don’t you think the Nazis would have been slowed down if Poland had put lane closures at its borders?”

Some critics, however, believe that using traffic patterns in military strategy could backfire. “Creating traffic just enrages most people,” explained military analyst Gen. Jonathan Dwyer. “If you put that anxiety into an army in waiting, who knows what sort of blood-shed will follow?”



The potential for blood-shed is still under review in New Jersey, as residents have crowded the neighborhood around Gov. Christie’s home with their cars in an attempt to screw up his daily commute, “to show him what it feels like,” stated NJ resident Barbara Tollis. Unfortunately, Christie was taken away by helicopter.

By Patrick AE

Patrick is the man behind the man behind the site behind the man.... When he isn't writing for The Inept Owl, saving penguins from Hulk Hogan, and other activities that could be either truths or lies, he's editing everything else.