Washington, DC: GOP leaders gathered yesterday to celebrate a successful year for the Republican Party, capped off with an 11% decline in the belief in evolution with their colleagues. Leadership hailed this decline as evidence of the party’s solidarity against the scientific method and the trappings it represented. The party got off to a late start, as nobody among the leadership could figure out how to email the invitations.
“We are proud of our accomplishments in 2013,” Senator Mitch McConnell shouted to attendees after it was clear that no one could make the microphone work. “The American people didn’t send us to Congress to negotiate, they sent us here to stick to our guns and insist that a government can’t be run simply on facts.”
The survey that found the decline in belief in evolution among the party also asked Republicans to put a check next to any country in the Middle East they believed held weapons of mass destruction. Party members almost without exception put a check next to every single country, with some writing in their own answers such as “France”, “Uzbekibekistanstan” and “the oil ones.”
The results also suggested some more radical elements within the party were gaining ground. For example, several Tea Party Republicans expressed doubt that the world was, in fact, round and suggested that the “theory of gravity” needed to be reexamined. Even though the survey was meant to be confidential, Senator Ted Cruz was revealed to be among the gravity-deniers, due to the fact that he had written his name repeatedly next to every answer with the note “I would fight for this” written above.
“I’m not one of these Washington insiders,” said Cruz, forcing himself upon a group of press members who were minding their own business. “They all have such an easy time accepting that the Earth orbits around the sun. Well, I don’t believe in constraining the Earth to do anything. I think the Earth should be free to orbit whatever it wants.”
Republicans reflected on their accomplishments from the past year and promised to do even more in 2014. “We filibustered 117 bills this year,” Representative John Boehner stated stern-faced to a crowd of Republicans. “Folks, we can do better. I say, 200 bills filibustered in 2014!” The room then erupted in applause.
On the other side of the aisle, Democrats were celebrating the survey results as well, which suggested that a majority of the party believes in evolution by a slight margin. Senator Harry Reid appeared before Democrats, smiling with relief as he announced, “Finally, there’s an issue that the majority of us agree on.”