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Local Asshole Refuses to Have a Happy New Year



New York, NY: Last night, the year 2014 was rung in with the same excitement and anticipation as most previous years have been during New Year’s Eve. Strangers picking up food and drink wished each other a happy new year as they passed by in market aisles. Groups ranging from 5 to 5,000 would not rest until they had toast each and every guest to the new year after the ball dropped. Telecommunications broke down the usual hour as countless people attempted to call or text everyone in their phone book well wishes for the new year.

However, not all proclamations to “have a happy new year” were met with good will. In fact, Charles DuPont, self-proclaimed a managing account executive at Arnold, Simon & Simon Wholesale, took offense to the statement, and responded like a true, unabashed asshole that wanted nothing more than to be a buzzkill for everyone they came into contact with on New Year’s Eve.

“My line of thinking is, anyone wishing someone else a happy new year is a loser,” explained Charles DuPont. “It’s like people don’t think I had a happy new year last year, so I already have to improve shit at the stroke of midnight. Well guess what, fuckheads. 2013 was awesome. I don’t need 2014 sniffing around anytime soon.”

DuPont’s apparent need to piss all over the happiness of well-wishers has led him to respond to , “Happy New Year!” with retorts such as, “No thanks. Already had one” and “Geez. It just started. Way to raise the bar.” These responses had led most new year revelers to give him a wide berth, which suited DuPont just fine.

“It’s not like I don’t enjoy a good party,” explained DuPont. “It’s just that to celebrate the new year is stupid. Last year I got my manager fired and took his job, broke up with my girlfriend to date her much hotter roommate, and won a $50 gift card to Friday’s. 2014 can suck it.”

When asked about DuPont, party host Rachel Mulligan stated, “Who, that guy leaning against the wall with a cup of half-melted ice? That’s my pizza guy. He delivered some pies a couple of years ago on New Year’s Eve, and we drunkenly invited him in to party. Now he seems to show up every year, getting more and more annoying. But hey, it’s New Year’s, right? Everyone deserves a chance to turn the page.”

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Patrick is the man behind the man behind the site behind the man.... When he isn't writing for The Inept Owl, saving penguins from Hulk Hogan, and other activities that could be either truths or lies, he's editing everything else.

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