Washington DC: Look out, minorities. There’s a new socially maligned group in the United States, and they’re not going to take it anymore: rich, white, Christian men.
In a yearly debate spanning nearly 8 years for Fox News, the War on Christmas brings to light the constant discrimination that rich, white Christians have had to endure in the face of political correctness that has plagued the United States for over 20 years. Such acts of prejudice have included the dismissal of the nativity scene and menorah in or around nationally secular spaces such as courthouses and schools, and being publicly barraged by derogatory terms such as “Happy Holidays” in broad daylight.
“It’s absolutely atrocious that random strangers can demean Christmas by vulgarly wishing me ‘Happy Holidays,'” stated rich, white man Herman Philips. “Terms like that bring up painful, historical events of persecution and hate from the past 3 years. What about my feelings?”
The war on Christmas took an even more obnoxious turn, as rich, white, Christian women like Megyn Kelly have fought for the whiteness of Santa Claus’ whiteness.
“A black Santa? That’s demeaning to every northern, Scandinavian Caucasian in the world,” stated rich, white, Christian woman Kathleen Holmes. “How dare we think of a fictional legend that brings joy to children everywhere for centuries as anything but a fat, white man?”
While it is unknown if the purported leader of the war against Christmas, Jon Stewart of The Daily Show, will slacken his attack on Fox News’ attack on the alleged war on Christmas, there have been multiple methods of appeasement, including decorating a cactus with tinsel, candles, rainbows, florescent paint balls, tribal stencils, mini-mosque domes, and a photo of L. Ron Hubbard in order to appease all faiths during the holiday season. Unfortunately, this only enraged rich, white, Christian men further.
“It’s our holiday! We shouldn’t have to share,” exclaimed Philips. “Merry fucking Christmas!”