Washington, DC: Today, Democrats celebrated the narrow passage of the first piece of gun control legislation since Newtown. The law, called the Nerf Nerf™ Act, requires those interested in owning a toy gun to pass an extensive background check. In a double-win for Democrats, it also limits the dart capacity and effectively outlaws the sale of assault-grade slingshots. The law passed on party lines, with Republicans almost unanimously voting against it.
Democrats were ecstatic with the result, hailing it as the culmination of a hard-fought war for regulation. “No longer will parents need to fear minor bruises and irritated eyes,” claimed Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. “We’ve made the best out of tragic circumstances, but now our children will be free from playground massacres created by individuals with a pack of foam balls and something to prove.”
Obama appeared before the press with the mother of a child who recently survived being struck with a full clip of N-Strike darts, widely held to be the most firm of foam ammunition. “This is just the first step in the push for comprehensive toy reform. Our county will not be menaced by spring-loaded triggers and pressurized water tanks.”
Obama has adjusted his gun control agenda to include such far-reaching goals as limiting the intensity of toy robot lasers, muffling cap guns and fighting the proliferation of WBMDs, or Water Balloons of Mass Destruction.
Republicans, on the other hand, were livid at the day’s events and swore to do everything they could to repeal the law. Ted Cruz gave a rare interview on the subject at LAX airport while his plane was being held until police finished a gunfight with an armed attacker.
“It’s simply unacceptable,” shouted Senator Cruz over the sounds of gunfire in the background. “This is totally a slippery slope. First they take Nerf guns and what’s next? Real guns? Not on my watch.”
The law will require individuals to apply for a toy gun permit using a website programmed by the same team of 70-year-old grandmothers in charge of the healthcare.gov rollout. Applicants with a history of mental illness will be immediately disqualified. However, they will be provided with the location of the nearest real gun retailer, whose clearance process would likely be much more amenable.
With the holiday season coming up, toy companies have been struggling to deal with the law. Nerf recently announced they’d be coming out with a line of toys that replaces the foam ammunition with sharp bits of metal.
Even the lovable, babbling hit toy from almost 15 years ago, Furby, is getting a makeover in ballistics. “Due to public demand, the next Furby will not only be able to talk, but will be able to utter the phrase, ‘I’m standing my ground,’ before shooting shrapnel out of its mouth,” said market expert Quinn McQueen.