New York, NY: Following its flashier, bloodier, and all-around more popular predecessor Black Friday, the digital door-busting shopping day Cyber Monday once again concluded with minimal casualties.
While the lackluster efforts by the digital shopping day have met with considerable flippancy by retailers and news outlets since its inception in 2005, this year provided a faint glimmer of hope that online shopping can slowly improve to be at least half as morbidly exciting as Black Friday.
“Cyber Monday obviously can’t visually depict the sheer volume of insane shoppers in real-time that Black Friday does year after year,” explained business insider Marlene Kensington. “What it can show, however, is the volume of injuries, aggravations, and all-out hostilities of shopping on-line through social media. People will usually have a long wait between that DVD of Spider-Man 2 and a Fallout: New Vegas Game of the Year Edition game, so they’ll most likely take the time to complain about their shopping experience.”
The theory proved true, as there were over 1,567,455 Facebook updates and 3,689,988 tweets about how annoying it is for items to be released for sale as well 5,675,455 Facebook updates and8,422,789 tweets stating various injuries they had sustained while waiting on their computers such as paper cuts, spilling coffee, and overall mental anguish caused by Cyber Monday.
There were even some semi-plausible casualties during Cyber Monday.
In California, 45 year old accountant Charles Umberton felt the entire right side of his body go numb as he sat at his computer clicking on Cyber deals for 16 hours straight. He later abstained from hospitalization.
In Florida, 20 year old college student Mary Alley allegedly screamed in anguish when she found that the last Hunger Games board game had been sold, throwing her head back with such force that she over-turned her chair and hit her head on the floor.
In New York, a knife fight broke out between two men that were vying for an outlet to plug their laptops in at a local Starbucks establishment. One of the men is believed to be in critical condition.
The upswing in coverage on Cyber Monday violence has delighted retailers and news outlets, due to the past issue of keeping coverage on the violence of shopping going throughout the holiday season.
“Hopefully we can build on this year, and one day turn the idea of Black Friday Madness into a constant stream of holiday violence that lasts right through until February,” exclaimed Kensington.