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Walmart Announces Extension of Black Friday



Bentonville, AR: Doug McMillon, appearing this week before reporters wearing a black leather jacket and holding a sawed-off shotgun, declared the start of the first annual Black Week.  Though his announcement was soon drowned out by gunfire and the screams of rabid shoppers, we were able to ascertain that Black Week is a week-long extension of the frenzy-inducing savings so popular with consumers.  The press conference descended into an all-out brawl as reporters fought to get to their cars in time to take advantage of the savings.

Walmart, still stinging from the bad publicity coming from its response to protests at its warehouses, has decided to take special precautions to make sure its week-long savings goes off smoothly.  The company has decided to hire its own police force, called the Price Slashers, to discourage its workers from leaving their registers.  Forbes has praised Walmart’s business savvy, replacing ineffectual management techniques with the more straight-forward method of live ammunition.  To appease labor activists, Walmart has promised to pay for the setting of all broken bones and disinfecting of bite wounds at the end of workers’ week-long shifts.

Customers, meanwhile, may be sorely in need of the Obamacare website upgrade after this week of rampant consumption.  Hunting stores are running low on stocks of rifles and ammunition while hardware stores have seen a run on gardening implements, hammers and various lengths of metal plating.  For safety, Walmart has recommended shoppers wear at least an inch of steel in order to deflect blows from fellow bargain-hunters.  In stores like those in the San Fernando Valley, leading exporter of porn and disgruntled drivers, the requisite armor thickness may be higher.

There has been little news coming from inside the stores themselves, as security cameras have long since been destroyed.  One store in Riverside, CA recently erupted into a ball of flame.  From the ruined door partitions streamed thousand of shoppers, arms laden with digital cameras, jeans and chattering Elmo dolls.  Some could be heard murmuring “so much savings” and “what a bargain” over and over again.

Congress has considered calling a special session to deal with the major retailer’s announcement.  Some have suggested legislation barring retailers from declaring martial law, but Republicans have balked at such a preposition.  Speaking from behind the wheel of his Abrams tank in front of a Walmart outside DC, Senator Ted Cruz attacked proponents of the legislation. “They’re job-killers, plain and simple!” he screamed before accelerating his tank into a display of LCD screens.

So far Walmart’s strategy has worked.  Already it has made $10 million in profits, even after accounting for funeral arrangements for its employees.

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