Sioux City, IA: Preliminary reports for the Thanksgiving holiday indicate that dick cousin Andrew McDonald refused to pass anyone the gravy boat, despite the fact that he was clearly the closest to it and already had plenty.
Other family members indicate that the now fourteen-year-old Andrew “pulls this bullshit every year,” and that he is getting too old to continue with his temper tantrums. Andrew’s persistently unavailable parents, stockbroker Kevin and drunken housewife Cheryl, are currently seated at the “adults” table and insist that they cannot be bothered to actually discipline their dick son.
When other family members attempted to move from their seating place to get the gravy themselves, Andrew immediately began passing it in the opposite direction, loudly proclaiming that he “was gonna,” and threatening to cry if the rest of the family didn’t stop “harassing” him.
“I just try to ignore him every year,” said fellow cousin Madison Schaefers. “There’s plenty of dysfunction to go around already without him just being an unreasonable dick.” Madison noted other causes of strife during this holiday, such as her recently divorced father’s lust for Cheryl, Uncle Rick still living with his parents despite finally having a stable enough job to move out, and the formerly staunchly conservative cousin Brendan returning from college sporting dreadlocks and a penchant for discussing Marxism with his conservative parents.
“It’s like he’s seven years old,” said other fellow cousin Tim McDonald. “And not even like, a regular seven-year-old. Like, still a dick seven-year-old.” McDonald declared their actual seven-year-old cousin Michael to be less of a dick than Andrew, even though Michael had previously performed obnoxious victory dances in the faces of family members whom he had dominated in a game of Wii Bowling earlier in the day, a game that he is clearly better at and has far more time to practice. McDonald wanted to further note that he was going to let Michael win anyway, because he’s seven.
The family was given a brief reprieve from dysfunction when Andrew stormed off after loudly shouting that cousin Ben’s newborn baby would not cease staring at him, allowing the gravy to be passed by family members who are less dickish.