Due to the secrecy of MI6, we give you the Cone of Silence, which has nothing to do with the British. Get Smart/CBS

London, UK: After a full investigation yesterday, City of London Chief Inspector David Hammond has ruled the death of MI6 agent Richard Moore a “very unfortunate accident.” The CoLP’s official stance is that there was no foul play suspected in the death of Moore, whose body was found at the bottom of a lake in a rucksack tied with an alpine butterfly knot, weighted down with cinder blocks, and covered with chains that were fastened securely with several combination locks.

Questioned about the intricate and complicated bindings that secured Moore’s body and whether they indicated that a third party was involved in Moore’s death, Hammond stated that there was “little evidence” to prove such a claim. The Inspector went further to speculate that Moore “could have been a secret magician,” who died tragically while attempting to practice a trick.

Moore’s family, however, has sided with the coroner’s official ruling on the agent’s death, which was that there was, “Absolutely zero fucking way” that the special agent died in some kind of freak accident. The agent’s family has also released a statement declaring that their son was “in no way a secret magician,” though admitting Moore knew a single card trick. The family’s lawyers have stated that despite this foray into magic, attempting a trick involving escaping a locked bag underwater was “a bit big of a step up.”

In his time serving as a spy for MI6, Moore had been active on several high stakes missions, seeing combat numerous times and thwarting the plans of men who own Turkish Angora cats. Though it is likely that Moore made enemies with the cat owning men and others throughout his time with the agency, the CoLP does not believe that any of these figures could be involved in Moore’s intricately covered up death.

The case has been compared to the death of another MI6 agent, Gareth Williams. After over 3 years of deliberation by Scotland Yard and forensics, Williams’ death by asphyxiation after being locked in a padlocked sports bag situated in his bathtub was also considered an “accident.” MI6 is now deliberating introducing a special seminar for agents to teach them how not to lock themselves in sports bags, sacks, or empty refrigerators.

Moore’s call number has since been reassigned to another agent within MI6, reportedly a handsome blonde in his middle age with an incredibly violent streak.

By Patrick Braud

Patrick is a comedy writer living in Chicago. He enjoys writing articles that hopefully make people chuckle and think, "Hey, that was pretty alright." He does that here and he also does it over at Man Cave Daily. If you thought something he wrote was pretty alright, boy howdy he sure does appreciate it.

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