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North Koreans Executed for Watching George Clooney Movies

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KCNA via Reuters

Pyongyang, NORTH KOREA: The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea continued to put more pressure on its grip over the people of North Korea as, earlier this month, eighty people were executed in public displays.

The reason? Allegedly being in possession of and watching George Clooney movies.

It is believed that the celebrity status of Geoge Clooney has grown so large that even the cloistered citizens of North Korea have heard of him. What was once a peaceful, film-watching public, whose movie-stars included the late Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong-il, and also Kim Jong-il, became a frenzy of independent thought and criticism when a copy of Gravity began to circulate that failed to replace George Clooney’s head with the head of Kim Jong-il, or at least that of his son, Kim Jong-un.

“It was bad enough that North Koreans saw someone other than their Dear Leader in a movie,” explained professor of sociology Agatha Martin. “But to see a non-North Korean man in space when the public has been taught that Kim Jong-il created the dinosaurs and discovered the planet Earth on his way to creating the rest of the plants from his birthplace, the Sun, where he conceived by two moons crashing into a unicorn? It was a public relations nightmare.”

It is believed that if it was any actor other than George Clooney, the executions would not have taken place. Unfortunately, Clooney has consistently annoyed the public with his own callous claims about his own superiority, to the point that it rivaled that of Kim Jong-il and Kim Jong-un. Most recently, Clooney announced his own celebrity rank to be above Leonardo DiCaprio in an interview with ESQUIRE.

With the public executions, the government of North Korea declared a universe-wide ban on propaganda films from countries other than North Korea, and told its citizens that all other nations and planets have complied.

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