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Russia Pleads for Snowden to Release Bogus Secrets on Website

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photo: AP

Moscow, RUSSIA: When an employee is found guilty of breaching his employer’s security, the logical timeline of events is that the employee is fired and blacklisted from ever being hired for the position in question ever again.

Russia, however, doesn’t seem follow logical timelines, as American computer analyst turned NSA contractor turned informant Edward Snowden has recently found employment in his current country of asylum. While the company itself is unknown, Snowden’s attorney, Anatoly Kucherena, has reported that it is a major Russian website which Snowden will be performing maintenance on.

It’s quite possible that the major website is the Russian government’s own portal and servers, due to the idea that Russia has not been seriously included as a world power since the dissolving of the USSR in 1991. To have Snowden performing analyses and maintenance on the site could allow the release of fake reports and foreign policy that would make Russia feared once again, by more than just gay Olympic athletes.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if we see reports of activities in the Russian government that are almost word-for-word rewrites of James Bond films,” explained foreign policy analyst Lance DeMallo. “Ian Fleming’s books were written at the height of the USSR’s power, so it would make sense that a report of a giant laser or two could be leaked into international news. Snowden would be the perfect way to execute such reports.”

While James Bond story-lines may be the hope of the Russian government, it is more likely the leaked reports will be more in line with the Austin Powers franchise, considering Russia’s lack of style and constantly being 15 years late.

Still, some believe that Snowden has not been hired by the Russian government. Instead, many analysts believe that Snowden may be working for an even more powerful entity in Russia: Mail-Order Brides. Snowden’s knowledge of social media, which he demonstrated when releasing classified information to The Guardian’s Glenn Greenwald, would be helpful in the pimping of Russian women overseas in ways that male growth enhancers never could.

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Patrick is the man behind the man behind the site behind the man.... When he isn't writing for The Inept Owl, saving penguins from Hulk Hogan, and other activities that could be either truths or lies, he's editing everything else.

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