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Congress Celebrates Landmark Budget Punt

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Washington, DC: After settling on a budget deal last Wednesday, Congress met in front of the Capitol building for the traditional responsibility-punting ceremony.  Two ceremonial barrels were filled with taxpayer money and set in front of Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and House Speaker John Boehner .  The two shook hands and took turns performing the traditional punting  of the barrel into DC traffic, with traditional disregard for the consequences.

At the same time, Senator Ted Cruz staged his own ceremony in protest, holding aloft a giant American flag and screaming about Obamacare and “commies.”

“This is what this deal does to America!” he yelled before tearing the flag into pieces and stomping it into the ground. “You see what Obamacare does to this country?”

Cruz’s negative views were not shared by most of his fellow Republicans. Boehner held a press conference in which he hailed the deal as a victory for the Republican party.  A tearful Boehner explained, “We stood our ground even after we were forced to bring our own coffee to work, even after they threatened to reduce the hours of the fitness club.  It was tough, but the Democrats blinked.  And sure, we didn’t get anything we wanted, but we made the point that we’re willing to pursue our agenda no matter the cost to our daily workout routines.”

Democrats were also celebratory about the deal.  A slightly tipsy Harry Reid addressed reporters,  “The Republicans figured that there was no way we’d just let them ruin the country.  But if there’s one thing Democrats are good at, it’s doing nothing.  It was tough, but the Republicans blinked.  We’ve won the American people the two months of financial stability they deserve.”

Congressmembers on both sides of the aisle congratulated each other on a job well done.  The post-deal celebration was riotous, despite service being somewhat sluggish due to furloughs.  One freshman Republican Representative spoke to reporters, expressing how excited he was about the deal.

“Dude, this was awesome! I can’t wait until January to do it all over again!”

Media outlets were similarly celebratory, referring to the deal as “historic.”

“If you think about it, this is the most history-making Congress in decades,” said CNN correspondent Michael McClinty. “First shutdown in twenty years, most recess days, fewest pieces of legislation passed.  We’re living in some pretty astonishing times.”

After the celebrations, Congressmembers headed home for some much-deserved rest and relaxation.  We asked one Senator what his plan was now that the government was reopened.

“Oh, I’m going on a cross-country roadtrip.  If I leave now, I might make it back in time for the next shutdown.”

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