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Americans Apply Shutdown Strategy to Life

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Across America, countless workstations are left unmanned do to citizens applying the government shutdown to life.

East Brunswick, NJ: Darryl McWilloughbie is a manager at a Target and one of many Americans that have been inspired by Congress.  McWilloughbie was dealing with a number of particularly sticky labor disputes and some tension between the people under his supervision.  It was a difficult problem and both his superiors and his employees were looking to him for solutions.

“It was awful, it was like they expected me to just…manage all their problems, like some kind of person that does managing or whatever,” McWilloughbie said.

One night, McWilloughbie was watching the news when suddenly an idea came to him.  The next morning, McWilloughbie came to work ready to solve his problems in the same fashion as his government.

“Employees would come to me with their problems and I would look them square in the eye,” McWilloughbie stated, staring hard into the distance. “And I would do absolutely nothing.”

McWilloughbie’s shutdown strategy has already begun reaping benefits.  since he has stopped worrying about the issues of management, his stress levels have gone down and he finds himself free to pursue other interests.

“I’m becoming a stud at Solitaire.  I’m like fifteen-and-zero now,” McWilloughbie said.

McWilloughbie’s story is one of many about Americans who have found solutions to their problems in Congressional procedure.  Sarah McKinzie, a homemaker in Topeka, Kansas, has responded to the demands of her family in a way that would make Republicans proud.  Instead of driving her kids to school or preparing meals, she now reads magazines and eats Mallomars.

“Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe in,” McKinzie said, pushing her recliner back and sighing.

Her husband, Bill, is less enthusiastic about his wife’s shutdown strategy.  Thinking he may get an idea of how to cope, Bill began watching the news.  He decided he would handle the changes like the Democrats.

“Mainly, I just badmouth her to the kids,” explained Mr. McKinzie.

Throughout the country, people have begun putting the shutdown strategy into effect.  Flights were delayed or cancelled nationwide as pilots sat talking on the phone or reading magazines and refusing to move from their chair.  Taxi drivers accepted fares, but declined to drive anyone anywhere.  News shows went off the air after ten minutes of anchors staring blankly into their cameras.

Political analyst John McDrawer sees this as a turning point in American politics.  “Finally, Congress is representing the will of the people.” When asked why he hasn’t decided to take part in the shutdown strategy, McDrawer appeared confused. “I have a PhD in political science.  I’ve been using the shutdown strategy since undergrad.”

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